Husband’s new fantasy is a warning sign

Q: During dating and our five-year marriage, sex has been a huge part of our relationship.

My husband likes fantasies. Sometimes he’ll get an idea from porn, or he’ll name a Hollywood couple whom we’ll fantasize about.

But now, approaching 36, I’m thinking it’s time we discuss starting a family instead. When I told him this, he went into a dark mood for several days. Then, instead of fantasy games, he insisted we talk about real people we know. He wanted me to tell him any sexual fantasies that I’ve had with others — e.g. he mentioned a college professor I once said had been “hot” when I was in his class. I was uncomfortable as he sounded so serious about this.

So, he went first, telling me about his fantasy about a neighbour in our building.

I felt sick. She’s in her late 20s, slim and attractive. She’s smart with a good job, and a keen tennis player. His fantasy included comments on her clinging tennis dress. I just walked away. We haven’t discussed it since, but he’s still distant with me and there’s been no sex for a week. Is my husband addicted to sexual fantasies? Confused and Hurt

A: Unlike fantasies from porn or Hollywood, your husband’s introduced a sexualized image of someone who could threaten your trust in him. Why?

His “dark mood” prior to his fantasy might indicate that 1) he isn’t ready to start a family or talk about it; 2) he was warning you to back off, with his fantasy about an attractive woman who’s accessible nearby.

California sex therapist Dr. Nagma V. Clark has written, “It’s perfectly normal and healthy for individuals and couples to have sexual fantasies. A rich erotic imagination goes hand in hand with a fulfilling sexual connection.”

I’d agree in most cases, but your husband used this fantasy about a neighbour like a warning. Sex talk either happens as he says, or he retaliates.

Before raising the idea of getting pregnant again, be certain that you’re equally committed to your future.

However, it IS the right time for talking to a sex and relationship counsellor. Q: I’m married for 20 years, father of two teens. I’ve worked from home for five years before the pandemic struck. My wife had worked outside, but since mid-March, we’ve been together in the house. I’m happy with that.

I’m very nervous about the virus and prefer to stay in and order food in when we’re tired of cooking. My wife now wants to eat on a restaurant patio, visit in a friend (socially distanced), etc. She’s even suggesting an overnight stay at a friend’s cottage.

I just can’t do it. She’s so upset that she’s threatened to leave me! My Wife or My Safety?

A: If your health isn’t compromised, it’s anxiety that’s driving your fears. Hiding inside unnecessarily isn’t a healthy model for your teens and is unfairly hard on your wife. Call a local hotline for access to online mental-health help, it’s an important, accessible service during COVID-19. Ellie’s tip of the day Sexual fantasies are normal and healthy, if both parties benefit from them.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.