Please don’t go all ‘Dewey Defeats Truman’ on us
You know those scenes in futuristic sci-fi flicks where the hero pushes forward on the throttle and his spaceship suddenly flash-zooms at hypersonic speed as the stars blur past until he arrives in a galaxy far, far away in less time than it takes you or me to hit up the nearest Starbucks?
This election day probably won’t be like that.
Pack a change of clothes and maybe a crate of Red Bull.
This spaceship ride could take a while before we arrive at Planet Biden or Black Hole Trump.
Heading into Tuesday’s election, close to 100 million Americans had already cast a vote. Early voting in Texas now exceeds the Lone Star State’s total turnout in 2016. By Monday morning, early voting across the country was closing in on 70 per cent of the final tally from four years ago.
It’s like the steroids era of baseball: Records are getting smashed as Americans flex their franchise.
And that is why it is crucial for the media to not strikeout on Tuesday night.
These are not normal times. This is not a normal election.
Global security experts are using words like “tinderbox” and “powder keg” to warn of looming violence, no matter who wins. Do you really think the Trump Cult will autodeprogram and graciously send congratulatory bouquets from 1-800-FLOWERS if Biden is victorious? Get real.
These maniacs are already packing heat and forming caravans bedecked with MAGA flags bigger than Dear Leader’s trousers. When not trying to run a Biden campaign bus off an interstate, they are causing traffic jams to prevent Democrats from voting while raving incoherently about Hunter’s laptop or the fact everyone knows the Kamala Harris family tree includes a secret branch for Karl Marx.
Meanwhile, if Trump wins fair and square — and that’s a very big “if” inside a square the size of Alexanderplatz — billions of skulls will explode. I will be watching election night in my old hockey helmet. Amplifying the fear and loathing is the fact Trump keeps saying any result in which he is not re-elected is rigged or fraudulent. That’s like telling the good people at Lotto 6-49 that any draw that does not include all of the numbers on your ticket is fake and legally actionable.
And somewhere the founding fathers are freebasing Zoloft.
Which brings us back to the media and Election Night, which may well turn into Election Week, Election Month or Election … Holy Hell, It’s the Spring Equinox and We Still Don’t Know? Both sides now have more lawyers than Chapters has paperbacks. Barring a Biden landslide so massive it traps even Lou Dobbs in rhetorical quicksand, any close result is no doubt headed to the courts.
Expecting Trump to concede is like waiting for a rooster to lay an egg. It is biologically impossible.
So for God’s sake, news networks, please bottle the competitive juices and chuck them into a dumpster outside the studio. The horse races of yesteryear, in which every outlet vied for the bragging rights of being the first to project a winner, is not just unwarranted now — it could be dangerous.
This election isn’t a pregnancy test. It could be days before the swab turns blue or red.
The last thing we need is an epic “Dewey Defeats Truman” mistake that ignites a civil war. Declaring a winner prematurely could amount to the 2000 Bush v. Gore chaos times a million.
Every network has what is called a Decision Desk that transcends journalism. These elite nerd units are staffed by statisticians, social scientists, political wonks, data crunchers and tabulating gadgets that can read the tea leaves. My personal belief is there is still an overreliance on exit polling. But until this pandemic, I didn’t know scallions and green onions were the same thing, so it doesn’t matter what I think.
What matters is that every Decision Desk is sequestered as the votes roll in. Every Decision Desk must be given all the time needed to get this right. Every Decision Desk must be immune to the unhinged, on-air meltdowns of partisan shouting heads, as occurred on Fox News in 2012 when Karl Rove refused to believe Barack Obama had won Ohio. He was apoplectic. It was as if the nerds were insisting cashmere is a ballistic.
Rove was wrong. The nerds were right. And that is a teachable moment for Tuesday.
If Sean Hannity tries to storm Fox’s widely respected Decision Desk to demand someone call this for his buddy Trump at 1 a.m. while the vote count remains fuzzy, security needs to shoot him with a tranquilizer dart.
The reality is we may not know who won before dozing off in the flickering glow of CNN’s Magic Wall as John King bores Wolf Blitzer to tears with the 134th update from Pennsylvania.
Boring is fine this election. Boring is good. Gaffes, blunders and confusion are not.
On Tuesday, as in the past, it will be the media manning the cockpit controls and charting the flight path of the spaceship. Are we headed to Planet Biden or Black Hole Trump? A record number of votes will be cast, including millions by mail in states that are not allowed to start counting until Tuesday morning.
This could take a while, news networks. No need to rush a journey this momentous.
All we ask is that you do not crash and burn as the stars blur past.