The little lies we tell ourselves to cope
It’s easy to fall back on excuses, but a deep look inside is how we make sense of our identity
People tell me I can be too sensitive, but I think it’s just because I’m passionate … but I can also be careless, this contradiction being a definitive Gemini trait.
Mostly this duality manifests as my free spirit; I’m open to anything, likely because I was the “baby” of the family, the youngest of three siblings, so I always had someone looking out for me but am also prone to going rogue.
Ever notice how easy it is to use labels to excuse, rather than explain behaviour?
Though these labels act as convenient theories to align with our personal narrative and justify our less savoury traits, we should be examining them, pushing ourselves to do better.
I’ve been leaning into my astrological sign — and a handful of other excuses — as a way to make sense of my identity. Sadly, I’ve been doing it for years.
Finally, a friend — fellow Star columnist Shinan Govani — gave me a wake-up call. As the “old me” would have said, “the stars aligned and I was receptive to a transformative state, thanks to a handful of months reflecting during lockdown.”
It came when Govani and I were messaging on Twitter one afternoon, when he started to talk about a trending Netflix series. I told him not to share any spoilers, since I planned on bingewatching it later that evening. Then I said: “How I devour shows and books likely says a lot about me: All or nothing /off and on/ black and white.” This sentence was a nod to being a Gemini (we’re known for having two opposing personalities), something I’ve been talking about for at least 10 years.
He responded to my DM knowing exactly what I was suggesting and said: “Yeah, that is how you LIKE to think of yourself, as it helps to create this selfimage of yourself and avoid looking deeper — but not really. Otherwise you would have been married and divorced a few times by now, living away, etc.” He went on to say, “If anything, you are quite cautious, and move very slowly. Your 30s are the same as your 20s: real talk. You are NOT that Gemini. We all tell ourselves these little lies to cope.”
And can someone please give this man an award for social observer of the decade?!
His “real talk” allowed me to become aware of how often I’ve leaned into my horoscope sign as a reprieve. I identify with being a Gemini and use it in my favour. But he’s right, as spontaneous and playful and all or nothing as I thought I was, I’ve been cautious — until this summer when we had this frank discussion.
To hit the message home, he referenced a mutual acquaintance who got married on a whim after two dates — a woman who would describe herself as very pragmatic (classic Capricorn!). You see, we all have these visions and versions of who we are until we take a moment to be realistic with ourselves: That’s when we can become more selfaware. That’s when we can stop excusing ourselves.
“People who have an external locus of control blame other things and take less ownership. They tend to also struggle more with relationships and also depression because they feel less agency and ability to cope,” says Michele Foster, a clinical psychologist and the co-director of Toronto Psychology & Wellness Group. “It’s more of a fixed mindset versus a growth one.”
Foster says awareness is key and that a lot of people don’t realize they have this tendency to look outward when defining the problem. “If you notice yourself often blaming others, shutting down advice or reacting defensively, it might be a sign that you blame others rather than taking some ownership yourself,” Foster said.
She says mindfulness can help, as it supports us in observing our own cognitive processes and that, once we realize what’s going on, we can choose to respond with intent, rather than to react. “It takes time and a lot of effort to change the pathways in our brains and our habits, but it’s absolutely doable,” Foster said. She says in therapy, she gently guides people back toward focusing on themselves and, over time, it helps them take more ownership and experience greater agency.
“Astrology is often used as a way to justify bad behaviour, when really its purpose is to observe different behaviours and emotional patterns, and make changes accordingly,” says Toronto astrologist Claire Goodchild of Black and the Moon. “I would caution that readers remember they have free will and agency. Knowing your full natal (or birth chart) can aid in emotional and spiritual growth, but it isn’t everything,” Goodchild said.
She says that all signs have overarching themes and personality traits, but they are expressed in different ways and areas of life depending on the planet. For example, she says that all Capricorns are driven, but the sun or Saturn is going to see that as career drive, whereas the moon would be emotional drive. She also says that every few years we go through a phase when certain signs are valued over others. She says Gemini has been getting a bad rap recently and Scorpio has been put on a pedestal.
“It’s actually a disservice to astrology (and ourselves) to do this because all zodiac signs have positive and negative qualities,” Goodchild said. “They are 12 equal pieces, who each bring something valuable to the table.”
Outside of horoscope signs there are pop psychology terms like “introverts,” “extroverts” and “narcissist” that people use to justify themselves.
Other examples? Not having had their coffee yet, blaming their birth order (like of course I need all your attention: I’m the baby in the family!), and their past experiences. Although this is easier than identifying the actual issue, it’s hurting us in the long run.
Foster says it’s generally helpful to examine behaviour and own when we make mistakes. “If someone is constantly brushing off their weaknesses due to astrological signs or not enough coffee, that’s probably a sign that there’s something else going on they may need to own up to!” Foster said.
She suggests that a helpful start is reflecting on some examples of when we engaged in this behaviour and why. “Work on identifying patterns,” Foster said. Does it always happen in relationships? If so, maybe you use it to keep yourself from getting hurt. Is it exclusively at work when you drop the ball? Maybe you’re burnt out. “Or does it extend to all domains of your life? If so, then it’s more likely to be indicative of challenges accepting responsibility,” Foster said.
Having awareness of our unique personality constructs can be helpful. We know that certain types of people will be drawn to specific jobs, personalities and experiences. Foster says this information can guide us to making choices that might be best or more sustainable for us. “But it’s also important not to use that information to box ourselves in, otherwise we can miss opportunities for growth” Foster said. “We can’t sum ourselves up in a simple word or descriptor.”