Do I pick the aimless guy, the sex freak or nobody?
Q: I married my high school sweetheart. Shortly after, we purchased our dream house and fancy materialistic things with no debt and healthy savings.
When we discussed our dream for me to get pregnant, I panicked and realized how terrified and unready I was.
Ultimately, we divorced — the best and hardest decision I made for myself. I love him so much but was genuinely unhappy with him … or was it me?
I was looking for a life partner but didn’t want to fulfil the housewife role any longer.
My ex is a great man. He deserves only the best. He works so hard and treated me like a queen. But I needed my independence and my own identity.
Currently, I’m dating two men. One, protective and smart, definitely doesn’t want a family but can’t imagine his life without me. He’s a rebel who can drive me mad, but I love his attention and affection.
Yet his life path is unclear. He doesn’t set any goals.
The other man’s more mature, with his goals established. He brings out my adventurous side and makes life meaningful.
However, I’m not attracted to him and actually cringe when he tries to hold my hand.
Our goals align, we love the same activities and adventures, we both love our families.
But he’s a sex freak and I’m not. He speaks to me in a disgusting way about sex. I’ve repeatedly told him how gross it makes me feel.
I’ve periodically blocked him from texting me because everything he says is related to sex!
We’ve never been intimate, at my request.
The other man holds me to a higher respect. I love being intimate and affectionate with him.
He doesn’t have savings or a single goal but I’m truly happy with him.
My fear is that I’m getting older and maybe I’m just being young and stupid about my choice.
Should I get over my issues with the husband-material second man? I’ve dated many men and been turned off very fast.
Am I the problem? Maybe neither of these men are the right one.
Is It Me?
A: Yes, it’s you in the best of ways.
You acknowledge that you’re still young, and that’s part of your self-protective instinct to not rush into another marriage.
Not until you’re ready for all the responsibilities and ups and downs within a longterm loving/working partnership.
Your ex was a wonderful partner who fulfilled all your dreams/desires as a bride.
Your current rebellious lover provides the spontaneity you missed as a young bride.
But he’s not a lasting choice, given the values and goals you’ve developed.
The other man disgusts you regarding his sex obsession. Sharing goals and some adventures won’t overcome your disinterest in intimacy with him.
This is a “zero sum” situation whereby whichever of these two men you choose represents a loss for you.
The very act of writing for help about these limited choices shows you’re still not ready to choose.
Fact: You don’t have to choose anyone right now!
Take your time meeting people, as friends, as work colleagues, through online connections and shared interests. Not as marriage prospects you’re auditioning.
For now, it’s enough to be building experience and self-confidence … maturing at your own pace.
When you’re truly ready — and there’s no age that’s the definitive signal — you’ll recognize who’s right for you and you for him.
Ellie’s tip of the day
The time for choosing a life partner is when you’re certain that he/she is the one you love, respect and trust.
is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.