My short list for the next governor-general
Who will be the next governor-general? I know what you’re saying, I don’t care either, but harmless fun is in such short supply right now. When I was hired by the Star long ago, in 2010, after a chat over drinks, I was handed a dollar-figure on a coaster, free-agent hockey-player style, and asked if I had any particular requests.
In a move that puzzles me to this day, I asked for an ultra-fabulous garageband-level tape recorder, quickly superseded by everyone’s cellphone and now gracing whatever dump Toronto used that decade.
Imagine if I had asked for a throne in a house that came with a personal chef and actual hatted Mounties. This explains why the CBC, looking for suggestions, interviewed an older obscure male Harper appointee, who felt keenly that any new governor-general should be an older obscure male Harper appointee. People want what they want and sometimes what they want is absurd.
That is why Alberta Premier Jason Kenney should be the next governorgeneral. He is terrible at his job, his requests are ludicrous — economic sanctions against the U.S. for ending the Keystone XL pipeline — and he’s stretching so far to blame Prime Minister Trudeau for every single misfortune that his own chiropractor is murmuring “whoa, steady on there.”
Kenney just blew $1.5 billion on a bad project in a greening economy using what he usually calls “hard-earned taxpayer dollars.” The governor-general on the other hand has no access to large sums beyond saying in the throne speech that they should be spent, and has no public voice whatsoever.
Best to give Kenney something to do with his hands, crafts possibly or homeschooling, or handing out inexpensive tokens to thoroughly admirable Canadians of great achievement. Like having his mittens on a string, he would resent it but still. For those of you unconvinced that Kenney is the absolute boy, I am as fascinated as you are by that former B.C. casino boss and his Russian wife who chartered a flight to Whitehorse and passed themselves off as motel cleaners in Beaver Creek, pop. 100, in order to get in on a rural vaccine shipment.
Luckily, Ekaterina Baker is an actor (and executive producer, one of 26, on the 2020 film “Chick Fight”) so she was able to give her husband, Rod, tips. First, bring a mop. Also, a bucket, but don’t overplay it. Have you ever seen anyone mop enthusiastically?
Second, check into the town’s rustic 1202 Motor Inn and spend the night rehearsing your own show, “The Bickersons Self-Isolate.” Don’t shoot back to the airport, it makes people suspicious, also Room 6 needs a sink plug and four extra towels. I don’t know what they’re doing in there. Reminder: No Russian names. “My name is Joan Rinse and this is my husband Rudy,” try that. (Note: The Bakers have since been fined, a bit.)
“I don’t imagine that this is going to repeat itself,” embarrassed Yukon Community Services Minister John Streicker told the CBC. You don’t? Several hundred other Canadians look up from their brand-new wheeled cart with bulk cleaning fluids and these special scouring pads with pointy bits for tile grout.
What are you going as? I am an essential worker, a rodeo rider named Big Mac, no, Fanny Snack, no, Miss Ronti Treadwell, have purchased leather chaps and a tumbleweed, am perfecting my sass. “I may look hard but I’m vulnerable, you betcha.” Other candidates:
A bearded man named David Johnston. “You look familiar,” says no one and he gets the job. Somewhere in the distance a dog barks.
My favourite designer, Montreal-born Erdem Moralioglu, because his stuff is getting even more regal and eccentric, organza with flats, the dress speaks for you. He could dress the federal cabinet. This could work.
The last Canadian vaccinated. Someone in hockey in one form or another.
At this point, I understand Donald Trump’s belief that humans are born with a finite amount of energy so don’t waste it on exercise. Or on the governor-general nominations, because, you know, this time they’re going for a coat stand with a Canadian flag on it.
Wait, I have a good one. Jann Arden.