Selfish move to Florida shouldn’t shock neighbour

Q: When the pandemic first hit, a very close friend/neighbour overreacted. Groceries had to be sanitized in the garage, clothes changed upon entering the house and our morning coffee meetings discontinued (though outside and socially distanced).

I wasn’t allowed into her house despite my being in total isolation.

When she accidentally mentioned a friend who had been over for dinner, she quickly added that it’d been on the patio with everyone six feet apart.

Before Christmas she announced that she and her husband were going to their winter home in Florida. When I questioned the wisdom of her decision, she said it made no difference where you isolate, and they weren’t spending the winter here.

Since going south, she’s posted photos of them attending outdoor functions and has told people that they’re going for their COVID-19 vaccinations because they can get them in Florida.

I’m angry and hurt that this couple cares only for themselves and is inconsiderate of those they may infect upon their return. How do I tell them that I can no longer be friends with them?

Beyond Acceptance

A: It’s about individual values, not friendship. These people aren’t alone in taking advantage of ways to care for themselves first.

In some publicized cases, people resort to lying and cheating the system to get into the lineup for a needle jab of vaccine, never mind if it means there’s not enough left for those more needy of protection.

But in cases where people own a home in Florida, where at one point the economyfocused governor invited snowbirds to come get vaccinated there, the picture gets blurred:

Do they stay here through winter like the rest of us, while still paying for their U.S. property’s upkeep? Even when they could be in the sun, distanced socially, and wearing masks if they choose?

Many have given up that alluring option. But a considerable number have not, despite valid complaints by some Americans about “their” vaccine allotment being given to non-citizens.

As of Feb. 22, federal rules will require everyone returning from the U.S. to have a specific COVID-19 test which requires up to three days’ expensive time in hotel quarantine before 14 days in home quarantine, intended to reduce the risk a Florida sojourn poses to others here. If such measures work, the concern about making others sick goes down.

Still, your once-close friend/neighbour is trying to shuck off initial pandemic panic for me-first survival. It’s not pretty, but it’s pretty common when the going gets tough for a large population. Some will care about others, others will not.

Reader’s commentary: Regarding grieving after death of a loved one (Jan. 19):

“I could feel the writer’s pain and the care and empathy in your response. As a grief therapist, I’m suggesting additional references to help those who mourn a loss.

“The Elisabeth Kubler-Ross set way of thinking (from the book ‘On Death and Dying’), that people experience grief and find ‘acceptance,’ can feel overwhelming and is often misunderstood.

“Many grievers see the five-stages model as something they’ll experience in order, without understanding that the research was focused on the dying, and for grievers to understand grief’s non-linear framework.

“I’ve heard clients feeling they’re failing or not grieving ‘right’ because they’re not going through these stages.

“In my work, I spend a lot of time talking about grief as the form that love takes after a loved one has died — grief integration, adaptation to loss, and how to maintain a relationship with a loved one after they’ve died. Because grief is messy and nonlinear, and each person experiences it in their own individual way.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Friends’ underlying values matter. But during a crisis, they matter far more.

is an advice columnist for the Star and