Families have a role in teaching kids consent
Families have a role in building a culture that values consent — and doing so isn’t a matter of simply muscling through some awkward conversations.
In fact, Sarah Ratchford, author of a new book for young people called “Fired Up About Consent,” encourages people to approach conversations about consent with less selfconsciousness — whether that’s in how they parent or how they communicate with partners.
“I think there’s a lot of embarrassment, both among young people and older people,” said Ratchford, who recommends, “just sort of taking some joy back and realizing consent isn’t this big, arduous task that is impossible to accomplish. It’s actually fun. Like it’s fun to talk to your partner about what you like … And you’ll end up having a better sex life. You’ll end up attracting partners that are right for you.”
Likewise, kids whose parents have guided them well on consent will very likely be more comfortable having the consent conversations that sets them up for healthy relationships.
“Fired Up About Consent” is the latest in the Fired Up series from Between the Lines Publishing, which highlights social justice issues for young adult readers.
The book offers a primer on consent in the 21st century and will make a good conversation starter between parents and teens — though, as the author explained in an interview, the work of creating a world with more consent starts much earlier than the teen years.
Ratchford is plain spoken on the societal failings that have contributed to a world where one in three women will be assaulted sexually or physically in their lifetime, according to the World Health Organization.
But rather than dwelling on the slow pace of change on low sexual assault conviction rates, or the appalling way that many victims are still treated by the justice system, Ratchford highlights changes that individuals and society right now to promote healthy relationships.
A journalist who has reported on sexual violence, Ratchford was “looking to do a bit of solutions-based work” on how we can all “take responsibility for a more consensual culture.”
“And being a survivor myself, I really often felt that there was a lot lacking in these conversations.”
We still see incidents where girls are sent home from school for wearing clothing that could “distract boys” at school, said Ratchford, a step on the same victim-blaming ladder as questioning a woman’s apparel choices on the night she was sexually assaulted. And we’re overlooking a lot of things in how we’re raising boys, too.
“I think the way that we treat young people who are assigned male at birth, or who are boys or young men is just decidedly wrong and it’s unfair and underestimates them,” said Ratchford.
Often without realizing what we’re doing, we discourage boys from gentler behaviour and more sensitive emotions, applauding them for playing aggressively in sports, for example, and encouraging them to quickly dry any tears.
“Patriarchy hurts everybody. And when we treat boys as though they’re expected to be aggressive and they’re expected to assert themselves and they’re expected to be dominant in space … then it’s almost as though they’re going to have no choice but to overstep somebody’s boundaries when it’s a sexual encounter, because they’ve always been raised to be dominant and aggressive.”
Ratchford said doing better for our boys means encouraging their gentler behaviour from a young age — how softly they pet a dog, or considerately they engage in rough-andtumble play — as well as “providing space for boys to unpack their feelings and to say to talk it out with someone when they’re feeling angry.”
“A lot of the times when men and boys are abusive, what they’re doing is they’re trying to articulate their desire for a loving relationship that doesn’t go away. They’re trying to keep that person close and they’re doing it badly … Maybe they haven’t seen any other way.”
Instead, we need to teach boys and young men that gentleness and loving attitudes are the way to keep people close, as well as a willingness to be vulnerable, said the author.
Tamara Robbins Griffith has been taking a proactive approach to teaching her 9-yearold son and 5-year-old daughter about consent.
To her that starts with how her children interact with each other while doing things like wrestling or playing in the snow. “I can be a parent and say, ‘I don’t think anyone should throw snowballs at someone’s face.’ And that’s a great place to start. But beyond that … they can agree with the rules and what’s fair.”
She and her husband are teaching their son and daughter that if either says ‘stop’ or ‘I don’t like that,’ they heed that feedback no matter what they’re doing.
That’s an important lesson for their son, but also their daughter, said the Toronto mom. “I don’t want her to think it’s normal for boys to yell at her or overpower her — I want her to feel heard.” She expects her son to be a good role model of what his sister can expect later in life.
Over the time Andrea Page has been raising her three boys, conversations about consent have really evolved. With the two who are still teenagers living at home, “I definitely have proactive conversations with them,” said Page, who lives in Niagara region.
“Both of the younger two boys have spoken openly about sexuality with me, and they’re not afraid to ask questions.
“Sometimes I’ll notice those feelings of discomfort talking about certain things. But then this is how I coached them to be.”
Looking back at some of the unsafe situations she was in as a teenager and young woman, she has especially strong messages for her sons about situations where alcohol is involved.
“That’s the one big thing that we focus on. Like imagine you’re at a party and there was drinking and you just think you’re having fun and something happens. You know, alcohol is not consent. Not ever, ever, ever.”
Ratchford said that’s important territory to cover with our kids, as is the fact that consent is more nuanced than “no means no.”
“Somebody shouldn’t have to dig within their own inner reserves to say, ‘stop doing that to me.’ You should check in with them first and find out what they like before you’re touching them.”
Given that our own education on consent may have left things to be desired, it’s OK if it takes some getting used to having frank, nuanced conversations on the topic with our own kids.
“I think parents can give themselves plenty of grace to be in sort of an ongoing place of learning and receiving knowledge themselves.”