Toronto Star

Wife’s big surprise suggests she feels unsupporte­d

- Ellie Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationsh­ip questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.

Q: After 10 years married, I realize that my wife doesn’t communicat­e with me.

We only chat about day-to-day stuff. We’re both working from home so most tasks are obvious.

But she’s recently accepted a new job that she’d never discussed with me. It will eventually involve travel with overnight stays when the pandemic allows that.

My company wants me back in the office when it’s possible. Our children are ages six and eight. If she’s away, we’ll need other driving and child-care arrangemen­ts.

How can I get her to stop withholdin­g informatio­n until she’s already made her own decision? Shut Out

A: Congratula­te her (genuinely) on being offered the job, and its positive factors.

Show your interest, because her silence suggests that she feared you’d find problems rather than encourage her.

Whether it’s her past experience or basic insecurity, she apparently doubts that she’s going to get approval over changes.

With your enthusiasm, she’ll open up more.

When the changes are coming closer, you’ll both have to discuss how you’ll work out schedules and the children’s needs.

Q: I’m a woman in my 60s who has met a same-age man in my city on an online dating site. I’ve been divorced for 22 years with two relationsh­ips since. But neither was a true match for me.

I would enjoy some male companions­hip in my life, having been previously married for 20 years. I know the advantages of being in a couple.

This current man is a widower. His wife died in March and we met online five weeks later.

He’s had two 20-year marriages. The first marriage ended in divorce. They have adult children and one grandchild.

He’s intelligen­t, interestin­g and is looking for a friend with the hopes of a relationsh­ip soon after his wife died, which is raising a red flag.

He insists that he had enough time to say goodbye to his wife as she was declining with cancer. He says he has no reservatio­ns about meeting face to face and I know that people grieve differentl­y.

I don’t want to judge his decision to look for a woman immediatel­y upon the death of his wife. These are the facts. So, I will meet him for coffee. But what are some “key” questions I should ask?

Moving Forward

A: You’re not the first person to write me about the possibilit­y of a relationsh­ip with a person who’s lost a spouse so recently (April 8 column).

You already recognize red flags in this widower’s hopes of finding a relationsh­ip.

One coffee date may reveal little about the impact of his late wife’s passing or why he’d seek a potential relationsh­ip so quickly.

However, the previous letter did reveal some interestin­g facts: That man was dating just two weeks after his wife’s passing. After four months’ dating, grief overcame him with nightly crying fits. He also keeps the fact of his now-girlfriend of 11 months hidden from his stepdaught­er.

What I told that woman: “He’s incapable of being a true partner at this time.”

Here are some logical questions for this coffee date:

1) What made him seek dating so soon? 2) How has he dealt with grief ? 3) How does he think his wife’s friends/ family and his own adult children who likely knew her will react?

Then ask yourself this: Are you really looking for a sometime “companion” or a full-on relationsh­ip? If the latter, are you prepared for someone else’s eventual grieving period ... or the possibilit­y that this man buries his emotions?

Ellie’s tip of the day

When a partner doesn’t communicat­e important decisions, encourage her/his ideas and discuss needed details later.

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