I was cold, hungry and trying to be open-minded
Danielle is a 32-year-old librarian who lives in the east end. She says her style is “cute hippie meets practical. I love coloured tights, dresses with cardigans and comfortable, old-fashioned shoes.” She is “kind, both silly and serious, earthy, a good friend, artistic and intellectual.” Danielle likes to “read, draw, drink tea, meet friends for walks and spend time outside.” She is looking for a “sweet, smart, thoughtful and hopefully fun partner” and says, “At the time of this date, I was going out with a lot of people, but I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with any of them.”
I met Henry on a dating site. His profile was long and very quirky, and was written like he was describing himself as a character in a book. I thought this could just be an interesting creative exercise for him; it could mean that he wants to stand out somehow; or it could mean that he was a bit of an odd duck. His profile possibly should have been a “red flag,” but I was trying to be openminded.
At the time, I was probably
trying to be too open-minded. For instance, sometimes people use bad profile photos, so it can be good to give them the benefit of the doubt and to remember that there’s more to a person than their appearance. But also, you should be attracted to the person you date! If you don’t like their photos you might not be “wowed” by them in real life either, I have found.
A “green flag” was that he was clearly a creative person, which appealed to me. He was also
passionate about environmental and human-rights issues, which also seemed like positive common ground.
We agreed to meet for a walk in a park. It was a cold day, but due to COVID we didn’t seem to have much of a choice. Henry arrived looking somewhat harried and seemed nervous. He was polite and kind but didn’t seem confident or “together.” I was not attracted to him, but I hadn’t really been attracted to his profile photos either. Once again, I was trying to be openminded!
Henry brought drinks and a bunch of snacks for us to share. I found that extremely thoughtful, especially as we hadn’t discussed food as part of the date.
Right away, Henry expressed his surprise that I agreed to go on a date with him, since he was unemployed. I realized that I had missed that fact in our chats online. We talked a bit more about his circumstances and it seemed to me that he was possibly unemployed by choice. I didn’t relate to that. I value my career and being able to support myself. I was also a bit worried about the money he had spent on snacks for the date.
We moved on to the topic of travel. Henry was planning a few local day trips for when COVID was over and casually asked me if I wanted to go with him. I thought he was joking since we had just met, but there was no indication that he was. Maybe he saw them as subsequent dates. I politely responded with something noncommittal.
By then I was cold and hungry. I realized that it had actually been clear to me from the beginning of the date, and even from reading his profile, that we were not a good match, and I wondered why I was so insistent on being “open-minded” when that meant betraying my own feelings. I started to feel bad for Henry. He was a nice person and very well-intentioned. He would be a great boyfriend for someone else, but I knew I wouldn’t go out with him again. Why make him waste his afternoon, too?
At the same time, I couldn’t figure out how to end the date. I was more than ready to leave, but he wanted to keep walking and talking. I wondered, why is it so hard to get out of awkward social situations? Why am I so afraid of potentially hurting this person’s feelings?
I felt that I had met a sweet, interesting person, but I also learned, on that specific date, that I should always trust my gut and myself. The next day, I texted him that I didn’t think we were a good match.
Danielle rates her date (out of 10): 5