Ex’s nasty manipulations struck chord with reader

Dear Readers: Sometimes the Readers’ Commentaries on a previous letterwriter’s problem contribute compelling insights. The following writer’s account about a mother’s determination to estrange her ex-husband from his children is a striking followup to the original column from May 14, in which a mother expressed her fears that her ex-husband is turning her son against her:

“My parents split when I was 15, and three younger siblings included an infant. Their marriage had been very acrimonious and the separation/divorce were equally bad if not worse.

“My mother never accepted any responsibility for her part in the marriage breakdown. My father was always to be regarded as an ogre, evil monster, etc. If we kids didn’t take her side, God help us.

“One Sunday, Dad took my sevenyear-old sister and our baby sister out for the afternoon. He returned an hour earlier than agreed upon. My mother, having seen him through the window, told me to hide in the closet with her and not answer the door!

“She said, ‘What if I wasn’t home — he can’t just bring them home when he feels like it!’ I realized then just how spiteful, vindictive and childish she was.

“Every chance she got, she badmouthed my dad to us kids. When they returned from visits (I never went), she’d interrogate them mercilessly about what they did, where they went, who was there.

“This woman (in the previous column) needs to intervene on behalf of her son now. People like her ex-husband don’t change, they only get worse. Their bitterness/hatred twists them, and the innocent children suffer.

“My mother is 92 now and not one of her children want anything to do with her.”

Reader’s Commentary Regarding a wife’s surprise job announcement and whether she feels unsupported (May 21):

“If she feels unsupported after 10 years, that’s a serious problem. In spite of having young children, she’d (privately) accepted a position with travel and overnight stays.

“Her husband will return to his office (post-pandemic) and these children will have no parent on some (or many) nights, but his wife either didn’t factor them into the equation or had arrangements in mind and didn’t tell him. Both are concerning.

“I was in a similar work situation when offered a promotion with a sizable pay increase.

“Although excited, and very flattered, I spoke to my husband before deciding. We discussed child care arrangements for when I’d be gone, homework help (his first language isn’t English), cooking of meals, sports league commitments (my husband was a coach as well as my children being enrolled in school and outside sports teams) and family and social commitments.

“It was quite a juggling act with me running off a plane, sprinting to a cab and showing up in high heels and business suits to a soccer or football field, or hockey arena. Or leaving one of those venues to hop into a waiting taxi to the airport or train station. I couldn’t have done it without my husband’s (sometimes grudging) support.

“In spite of his having helped me make the decision, and being glad of the welcome extra money, he was sometimes understandably resentful of the greatly increased workload he had to shoulder at home on top of his full-time job (thankfully regular hours).

“If the wife didn’t include her husband in this huge decision, ignoring any impact on his life and the children’s, the couple need serious help if they’re to continue this relationship.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Badmouthing an ex-spouse to your mutual children usually harms their relationship with you at least as much as with him/her.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.