Coffee with an old flame
Michael is in his 40s, works for his family’s business and currently lives in a sublet in the Bay Street corridor. He says his style is “no style” and that his friends and family would say he is “an overthinker” and “a romantic” as well as smart, shy, good-natured, a hard worker and a good friend. Michael says, “When I’m home in Toronto I go for long walks. I love to take pictures of historically relevant locations.” He also likes museums, plays, lectures, comics and cartoons, and watching basketball and baseball. Michael is looking for a woman he “can be quiet with.”
Years ago, I went to a speeddating event, when speed dating was the new thing. In the few minutes we had together, Emma and I found out that we were both spiritual bordering on religious, unlike most of our peers, and that we wanted children. Emma was vivacious, petite and lovely. We started dating and soon decided to get married.
After that decision, I wondered if we had moved too quickly. Emma had turned out to be very insecure. She always needed to know what I was doing, who I was with and when I would get home. She had been around a lot of men who were unfaithful and had come to expect that. I felt that a good relationship couldn’t exist without mutual trust. She also revealed that some of her friends didn’t like me and it seemed that she was swayed by their opinions.
It all came to a head when Emma had a work event that went badly and afterwards lambasted me for not being there for her. I protested that I didn’t even know she was upset, but that didn’t seem to matter. That night, I couldn’t sleep with my racing thoughts and, the next day, I suggested to Emma that we should take a break. If it was the right decision to be together we would get back together. Instead, Emma broke up with me.
I moved out of the country soon after, to work for my family’s business, and only came back to Toronto because of COVID-19. On impulse, I messaged Emma and asked if I could see her. She agreed to go out for coffee with me, on a patio due to the virus.
She was a little late. I messaged her about where I was sitting, got a coffee and a muffin, and sat back down. After eating my muffin, I wondered if she would even show up.
When she eventually arrived, she hugged me and I felt the affection in her hug. I had forgotten how short she was. She was wearing a nice sundress, but I realized I had been hoping that she would look more glamorous. I looked at her face and there were some lines there that I didn’t remember. She was still beautiful.
She told me she had been dropping off her boyfriend. She was divorced and dating someone new. I was disappointed, but I could tell from our conversation that Emma had matured as a person since we knew each other. She told me about how she had gotten away from the people in her life who had engendered suspicions about me in the past.
As we left, Emma asked me if I still wanted kids. I did. I felt renewal and excitement rising inside of me. I stopped her before she got into her car to go and asked her if she would consider trying again. Emma looked thoughtful. She said we should meet again in a few days.
That night, my mind started racing with the logistics. I imagined myself moving back to Toronto for good and moving us into the empty apartment I still have here. I imagined cooking for her and massaging her. I imagined us having disagreements over our child’s name and over whose language we would teach him or her first.
The next day, I got a message from Emma apologizing, saying that she couldn’t meet again after all, that she couldn’t take the risk with me and with us. My visions of our life together fell away. I could tell from the tone of the message that she couldn’t be persuaded to change her mind. Maybe someday we would meet again and look after each other in our old age. But not now.
Michael rates his date (out of 10): 7