Minaj accidentally makes case for mandates
My heart goes out to Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend with the swollen testicles.
This guy was minding his own business in Trinidad on Monday when, out of the blue, a global superstar blurted out a medical problem he’s having below the belt. It started with Minaj tweeting about her absence from Monday’s Met Gala, the fashion extravaganza in which A-list celebs hobnob with one another, vogue for the paparazzi, nibble on pretentious canapés that have names longer than a James Joyce aside — “Black Rice Porcini Arancini with Pumpkin Calabrian Chili Sauce” — while struggling to breathe and walk and sit in ridiculous getups that cost more than a family sedan.
Minaj has attended in the past, always looking resplendent in gowns from the future. But Monday’s Met Gala had a condition of entry: attendees must have the jab.
As Minaj told her 22 million Twitter followers: “They want you to get vaccinated for the Met. if I get vaccinated it won’t for the Met. It’ll be once I feel I’ve done enough research. I’m working on that now …”
Research is usually a good idea — except during a crisis. If your house is on fire, you shouldn’t visit Consumer Reports to “research” the best extinguishers. If you’re hanging off a cliff by one arm, that is not an ideal time to “research” Newton’s law of universal gravitation, not unless you’re keen to get smarter as you go splat.
A crisis requires decisive action. And as the crisis of this global pandemic threatens to enter a second year, I’m baffled by how much “research” Minaj needs before realizing vaccines are safe, and her hemming and hawing is now part of the problem.
Which brings us to her cousin’s friend with the swollen testicles.
After explaining her absence from the Met, Minaj followed up with a questionable anecdote that read like the start of a letter to Ellie: “My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding …”
First of all — actually, there is no first of all. There is just a second, third and fourth WTF, all set to the beat of “Anaconda.” Nicki, Queen of the Barbz, I respect your flows. But your medical knowledge is the rapping equivalent of Magoo. What are you saying? Your cousin’s friend got the vaccine and now he’s firing blanks and his feet can’t touch the ground because his scrotum has ballooned into a medicine ball? Any evidence?
And what’s the deal with this cousin’s friend’s fiancée? What kind of monster calls off an engagement after her soul mate suffers an alleged bad reaction to a vaccine? If I got a flu shot and my hands swelled into bread baskets, I’d like to think my wife would at least give it six to nine months of treatment before packing her bags.
But while Minaj was widely ridiculed this week, the real takeaway is that she accidentally just made a powerful case for vaccine mandates.
When one of her sympathetic fans wrote she got the vaccine to help find a job, Minaj replied with: “I know babe. A lot of countries won’t let ppl work w/o the vaccine. I’d def recommend they get the vaccine. They have to feed their families. I’m sure I’ll b vaccinated as well cuz I have to go on tour, etc.”
So if I understand this, Minaj is not vaccinated, concerned her cousin’s friend’s nutsack morphed into the moon? But she plans to get vaccinated? Because … she wants to attend the 2022 Met Gala? Because … she wants to keep raking in millions? Because … she wants to keep living in the real world? In order: Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. And that is why we need vaccine mandates, passports, whatever.
To prod the dim-wits into reality, to force them into doing what’s best for the public good by threatening their private lives. You don’t want to get vaccinated? Fine. Take virtual cooking lessons because you’re no longer welcome at our restaurants. Invest in a Peloton because you’re banned from our gyms. Concerts, malls, theatre, sporting events, museums, comedy shows, festivals — all places where we come together, you are not wanted. Stay out. That it’s come to this is beyond sad.
Somewhere, Edward Jenner is banging his powdered wig against a wall. Can you imagine if the daft anti-vaxxers now protesting outside hospitals were around as other vaccines were rolled out? COVID-19 would need to take a deli number because we’d be up to our eyes in polio, tetanus, rubella, measles, whooping cough, mumps, chickenpox, diphtheria and rotavirus.
Do I believe Minaj has dodged the vaccine because she believes her cousin’s friend has beach balls in his Calvin Kleins? Hard no. I think she’s hesitant, skeptical, afraid, and any vow of “research” is a ploy to buy time and save face.
But in admitting “I’m sure I’ll b vaccinated,” Dr. Nicki Minaj made a house call to the anti-vaxxers this week and her unwanted message was clear: resistance is futile.
Want the return of normal? Want a job? Want to go out? Want a life?
Get the shot and STFU already. The rest of us are sick and tired of your stupidity.
As the great Howard Stern recently observed, while railing against the anti-vaxxers: “F--k ’em. F--k their freedom. I want my freedom to live.”