How can I help my wife through perimenopause?
Q: My wife, at 46, is a gorgeous woman. She was beautiful when we first met. Now, her athletic teenage years plus the many body-movement classes and yoga groups have made her fit and strong. She walks with purpose, and smiles with an inner glow.
But she’s aching inside. The process of perimenopause toward full menopause and the final end of her periods, has upset her hormone system with force and confusion. She’s not eligible for hormone replacement therapy due to family genetics. She’s tried black cohosh, a herbal remedy that’s helped a girlfriend, but it seriously upset her stomach. She’s still the confident, extremely capable woman I love, but I fear she’s losing the inner glow of feeling healthy and in charge of herself. Now, there are doctors’ visits, blood tests, endless conversations with friends “who’ve been through it,” plus hours of research on medical sites.
I support her fully as she goes through this process and ordeal.
I listen when she wants to talk about it, but don’t raise the topic myself. I try to give her love — hugs, kisses, a massage when needed, but I accept this isn’t the time to raise the topic of sex. It’s not happening. We remain close. I’m committed to her.
Do you and your readers have any advice for my wife and me?
It’s About Love, not Sex
A: Your understanding of all that your wife’s experiencing and your empathy for her, are the support she needs most now.
Unfortunately, many partners don’t “get it” that this major change in a woman’s life can create symptoms very difficult to handle.
As I wrote in a previous column (March 9, 2020), menopause refers to when a woman stops having her period (for at least 12 months) often following a perimenopausal phase of having had symptoms such as night sweats, and mood swings.
Some symptoms and side effects of actual menopause include decreased sex drive and sexual desire, depression, difficulty sleeping and weight gain.
This can be a very trying transition for many women!
Decreased estrogen levels can result in reduced blood flow to the vagina, which can cause the tissues to become thinner. If this happens, the area becomes less sensitive to sexual stimulation. This also affects vaginal lubrication and overall arousal.
A woman may not enjoy sex as much and may have difficulty achieving an orgasm. Sex cannot only become uncomfortable, but also painful. Lubricants such as Replens, available at a drugstore, and using different sexual positions, can sometimes help.
Keep an open dialogue with your wife about what she’s experiencing. It’s a fact of nature that’s affecting her libido, not a loss of love for you.
Kissing, caressing and other non-sexual acts of intimacy can actually help boost a person’s sex drive during menopause. These sincere pleasuring efforts can maintain physical intimacy when possible.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the woman’s letter about her fiancé who looks at pornography daily and wants her to engage in sexual practices she rejects (Aug. 27):
Reader: Please encourage the woman to contact sanon.org. S-Anon is a 12-step program that provides support for family and friends of sex addicts. Its goal is to help those who are affected by the sexual behaviour of another person.
Lusting and watching porn are sexually addictive behaviours that affect families greatly.
A Grateful S-Anon member
Ellie: The initial letter writer wrote,
“... he’s almost cheating when he goes on porn sites for hours when we could be having romantic sex. Instead, he’s watching strangers and finding that exciting!”
Ellie’s tip of the day
Supporting a wife’s menopause experience signals your love.