Put your handset down: tips to avoid phone faux pas
Experts say it’s always wise to think before sending ‘that’ text
Many of us wrongly believe it’s easier to text or make a phone call than talk to someone in person, especially when we’re upset or disappointed. Yet we’re shown time and time again that the phone is fraught with the opportunity for miscommunication.
We’re often oblivious to the phone faux pas we are making and how they effect our relationships.
When it comes to communication etiquette tips, how you relate to somebody is really important, says Adisa Azubuike, a psychologist with EBT3 in Toronto. There are some common sense things you can do or avoid, like letting someone know they are on speaker phone, staying off your phone when out with friends, not constantly sending endless links and updates to your adult children or friends in group chat. Mostly though, we need to learn to not be so reactive; to not run wild with our perceived narrative.
“It’s fascinating. I’m a little older so I have to admit I’m boomer-nation here, but it always strikes me that one must respond immediately,” said Azubuike. “Where does that protocol come from?” He says texting and an expectation of an immediate response lead to many anxiety-promoting situations.
A prime example? When you keep looking at your phone to see if you missed a response despite your notifications being on, or when you blow up someone’s phone (by contacting them repeatedly) only to be met with silence. This comes down to the ego. “It’s a misconception of feeling you’re being rejected, you may even feel abandoned, and that the person’s silence or delay is a statement or a negative assessment of you,” Azubuike said.
He says that when you become reactive to someone’s silence, it can create bigger issues, but the person could simply just be busy or have different technological ethics.
Just because someone doesn’t respond right away doesn’t mean it’s an evaluation of you, it just means they are preoccupied with other things. “There’s a concern that you have to respond in kind or immediately, and that’s not a pressure you need to give in to,” Azubuike said.
In a recent Instagram post, certified dating coach Eunice Hong, who runs the popular Instagram account @artofdatingnyc, wrote: “Self care: Deleting the paragraph and responding OK.” This, in reference to typing out long-winded, reactionary shouty paragraphs when worked up or on the defensive.
If you’ve done this, first, join the club; second, you’ve likely learned that this never pans out the way you want it to and you may regret your now-on-therecord words (thanks to screen grabs, now referred to as receipts). “Don’t ever have meaningful conversations over text, that’s the first rule,” Hong said.
“We all bring our own narrative to the table, which may or may not be factual. Your feelings about it are real, but that doesn’t make it factual,” Hong said. You can think that someone is being mean to you, but if you asked an objective person would they feel the same way? Maybe not.”
Becoming emotionally mature, Hong said, is a process of learning and having a growth mindset, which is a practice in and of itself. It’s knowing what you bring to the table and what stems from the relationship dynamic.
For example, if someone texts and you overreact, you may feel you had the right to overreact but, upon consideration, realize the reaction is disproportionate. If you’re guilty of this, she suggests texting back once you’ve calmed down and saying something like, “I overreacted, but I’m happy to have this conversation over phone or in person.”
Azubuike agrees. Pre-technology, when we wrote letters, people had time to think about it, write, fold the paper, put it in an envelope and walk to the mailbox. Email and texting, on the other hand, can be more susceptible to impulsivity.
Instead, like Hong, he suggests waiting until you can connect on a call or in person to discuss the issue at hand. “The long paragraph is not met with good responses,” Azubuike said. “It’s so fascinating how we feel a need to respond and how, most likely, we wouldn’t have responded that way in person.”
According to Azubuike, we engage in this behaviour because technology gives us a sense of distance. But keep in mind that texting is a recorded thing: you can say “I didn’t mean to say that” or genuinely forget what’s been said, but receipts or a screen grab can live forever, and will only go away if the receiver deletes them from their phone.
In need of damage control or want to connect with someone you’ve had a text disagreement with?
“I always believe human relations are best served when we are proactive, when we try more than we retreat,” Azubuike said.
He suggests leaving a phone message and following up with a text reiterating your message, something like: “I’m still here. When you’re ready, give me a call. I still value you as a friend,” and then give them their space. That demonstrates your care and it’s up to them to reach out.