TikTok star’s death shines light on abuse
‘Perfect couple’ persona unravels as he is accused of killing her
Ali and Ana Abulaban were one of TikTok’s favourite couples. On social media, the young love birds seemed happy, dancing to music and documenting heartwarming moments with their five-year-old daughter.
Fans swooned over the seemingly perfect, “drama-free” relationship. That is, until Ana was found dead on Oct. 21.
Ali, 29, was taken to San Diego Central Jail last month, booked on two counts of murder.
Prosecutors say Ali was nothing like his cool and collected online persona. They say the TikTok star (@JinnKid) was controlling, emotionally abusive and even installed a listening device on his daughter’s tablet to spy on his wife, who was in the process of ending the marriage. He pleaded not guilty to fatally shooting Ana and a man she was with, according to The Associated Press.
The tragedy had fans wondering what they failed to see while watching the videos the couple posted. But experts say quick “highlight reels” on social media make it difficult for domestic abuse victims to speak out about a reality that differs from their “perfect” image.
Most people “fakebook” to some extent. But for victims of abuse, the incentive is greater.
Some people questioned how someone like Ali, a handsome, respected influencer, could be accused of murder. Or how Brian Laundrie could be accused of killing girlfriend Gabby Petito. Fans thought Laundrie seemed caring and sweet in her YouTube travel vlogs.
But Julie Owens, a domestic abuse survivor who consults about violence against women, isn’t surprised.
“There’s a stereotype that abusers are lower class, tough guys. But that’s not always true. Most abusers are the guy next door, and the fact that they can act calm, cool and self-confident in public is no different than most abusers.”
For the person doing harm, it’s important to not only control others but also to control their image. That’s why they often put on a “nice guy” front on social media, says Leigh Goodmark, director of the Gender Violence Clinic at University of Maryland Law School.
“The abuser is invested in an image of themselves as in control, positive, well-liked and loving, because all of that helps to undermine the claims that their victim might make if that person chooses to tell anyone,” she adds.
However, there are a variety of reasons why the victim may also perpetuate the narrative of a healthy romance. Sometimes, it’s about worrying what will happen if they admit the truth. Other times, it’s about shielding family members and friends from a dark reality.
“Victims are prone to depression because they feel trapped. They’re afraid if they reach out, there will be retaliation or it’ll get worse,” Owens says.
Experts say victims are also at higher risk for anxiety, PTSD, drug addiction and suicidality. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, survivors of intimate partner violence are twice as likely to attempt suicide multiple times.
Domestic violence is a preventable and widespread public health problem that cuts across race, age, income, sexual orientation, religion and gender, in terms of both victims and perpetrators. Experts said individual instances of intimate partner violence — particularly when it involves a celebrity or when that violence turns fatal for a white victim — capture public attention.
Public awareness matters to the extent that it helps people understand the dynamics of domestic abuse. More people who can spot abusive behaviour can help intervene. More people who understand the barriers survivors face in ending an abusive relationship can offer tangible support once they are ready to leave.