Can I get my lazy brother to clean?

Q: My brother and I, 26 and 24, recently moved in together. We knew we could handle it. Our late uncle had left us some money so we invested in this house.

For months it’s been great! We get along well, have many mutual friends, enjoy similar activities and respect each other’s privacy.

But, while he plays a ton of sports, my brother is lazy domestically.

His clothes are strewn all over his floor. But it’s his room, and luckily we have our own washrooms. So, his mess stays contained.

But he often leaves his dishes in the sink, doesn’t empty the dishwasher, nor turn it on. He rarely takes out garbage, or doesn’t replace the bag with a new one.

Also, we share most of our groceries, but buy what we love for ourselves. But he’ll finish the milk, or the fruit and won’t replace things, or even tell me in case I go shopping.

His thoughtlessness is becoming annoying, though, as a roommate and brother, he’s great. I don’t know how to get through to him.

Bromates

A: How lucky to share a home and a pretty great sibling relationship. If you want it to continue positively, drop the “lazy” label. For whatever reasons, he’s simply not domestically oriented.

That’s not surprising if, say, one of your parents was a picker-upper, and the other a leave-it-for-now person. Or if someone in the childhood home was a constant nag. That turns off lots of kids!

Meanwhile, you share a home with the caring presence of someone you trust.

Try practical approaches: e.g., list the most-needed tasks that can be divided between you. Regarding food necessities, keep a visible kitchen list. Whoever used up something, does the next shopping.

Whoever sees the dishwasher’s finished, empties it. Be clear this is about fairness, not a judgment on his personality. You’ve both been given the gift of security. Don’t blow it.

Reader’s commentary Regarding the husband who recently discovered his wife of 25 years cheated on him in the past (Nov. 8):

“The headline says he should, ‘Ask wife for an apology — and offer one yourself.’ Why does HE have to apologize?

“My wife also had an affair with a coworker 40 years ago. I still ache every day!

“When I discovered proof, I confronted her. She admitted the affair, but not its duration. We’d been married for just two years. She apologized, saying she’d ended it. I accepted the apology and asked why she ended it. She said, ‘It wasn’t going anywhere.’

“In the 2005 book ‘Women’s Infidelity: Living in Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say I’m Not Happy,’ author Michelle Langley noted some reasons and signs a woman’s cheating. My wife fell into many of those categories.

“She began a new job the year we married and her affair partner worked there. So, the affair began immediately after our honeymoon! She’d led a secret life for about three years!

“Several years later, for revenge and punishment, I had a relationship with a co-worker for three months.

“I hated myself for it, told my wife how sorry I was for it. Her forgiveness was immediate. However, the signs of infidelity on her part have resurfaced repeatedly.

“I still love her. Your advice sounded like you’re telling men they should forgive and forget.”

Ellie: No, I was calling for a clean slate for that other couple, who’ve “both worked hard to improve the marriage.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Don’t risk a great sibling relationship. Discuss some necessary chores, for fairness’s sake only.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship