Boyfriend is problem, not scared partner

Dear Readers Different responses regarding a woman’s fear of her boyfriend’s behaviour to her (Dec. 16):

She wrote — “I’m terrified that, if I say anything wrong, he’ll get mad ... I shake and beg him to stop and I cry. I’m afraid of him and I don’t know how to leave him. We’ve been together for two years and I’m scared.”

A male reader writes in response

“The writer doesn’t describe any behaviour or attitude or any physical, mental or emotional harm being caused by the boyfriend (no justification for crying and shaking).

“You instantly trash her boyfriend and tell the writer she needs help to get out of the relationship.

“What if the writer’s overreacting to her boyfriend simply being mad or upset?

“There were no reports of abuse or violence from the writer and yet you told her to get help and leave the boyfriend. People are allowed to be mad or angry ... it seems like she has the issues, not her boyfriend.”

So, there it is. The problem is with the frightened woman reaching out for help and who speaks of not knowing how to leave him due to being scared.

I’ve been responding to letter writers long enough to know they don’t write about fear of their partner unless there are reasons. The very brevity of her statement is a clue — no long-winded background, just a nervous cry for help.

This isn’t someone who can easily make an appointment with a counsellor, or discuss going together with her boyfriend.

This isn’t about my attitude toward men vs. women. Any male afraid of his partner, whatever gender, would get the same response from me if fear were expressed.

Here’s what the government of Canada website says about spousal or partner abuse, even when there’s no physical abuse:

“Emotional abuse can include threats and intimidation, demeaning and degrading verbal and body language, control and isolation, subordination and humiliation. Victims may suffer serious loss of selfesteem and experience feelings of shame, anxiety, hopelessness, depression and terror.

Don’t talk to me about, “it seems like she has the issues ...”

Q I’m a semi-retired man, 62, married for six years, together for 10. My wife struggles with the effects of having been molested and abused by various family members including her father. She’s been permanently estranged from her family for years.

The difficulty of living with this is more than I can bear some days and I don’t know what to do. We’ve both tried counselling but to no avail. I’ve been accused of being a “pervert” by my wife, which is not true. Our sex life used to be OK, but the past three-plus years have seen no intimacy happening. We’re more like roommates than lovers.

I won’t cheat on a wife who’s wonderful in so many ways, but this is hanging over us. What to do?

Frustrated Husband

A Sexual abuse by a parent and other relatives conveys the harshest reality: Isolation, i.e., living with no hope of being saved.

It’s a miracle that, without ongoing psychotherapy, she was a true partner in lovemaking. But haunting images don’t just disappear ... not without her working to bury them.

Tell her what you admire/respect/enjoy about her. Suggest getting marital counselling help together, this time focusing on the potential 20-plus years ahead as a couple.

She can’t change the long-ago past, though, with help, she can surmount it. Tell her she can have a happier, loving present and future with you.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Partner abuse of any kind is frightening, no matter the gender or other people’s perceptions.

ELLIE TESHER IS AN ADVICE COLUMNIST