Protect yourself against grown- up ‘ mean girls’

Q This has been bothering me for some time: Why do some adult women, despite being successful achievers, still behave like the “mean girls” they were back in high school?

I’ve known some women who fit that description. Several of them head their own businesses. I’m well- established in my profession, but not an owner.

I’ve felt that mean streak when friends would ignore me at a social gathering, sticking close to some more- favoured friends.

They could also “forget” to pass on important information to me, ie. affecting access to information lectures in COVID’s early, confusing days.

Or, they’d organize a Zoom get- together with their other “special” friends, or each other and, again, I’d hear they “forgot” to include me.

I’m divorced, 42, and on my own. Years ago, I saw this streak of meanness among some middle- to high school “besties” including these I’ve mentioned.

Three years ago, one became much closer to me during my divorce, interested in every detail, which I thought was caring on her part. She was then in her late 30s. She invited me to join her at a fitness class twice a week and even paid my way for the first session to entice me. But, from the start, she’d gravitate to her fitness buddies, gave one brief introduction and ignored me to go off to lunch with some others. She didn’t bother explaining why she disappeared so quickly.

There are times I still can enjoy the company of these otherwise- interesting women. But, lately, I just feel hurt and avoid them. How should I handle this going forward?

Adult “Mean Girls”

A Take a healthy break from the women who’ve been mean as adults. They know better, but apparently care less.

So introduce thoughtful self- care and selfprotection to your personal life. If you find it necessary to be in the company of such women, remind yourself that day of your own decency and integrity.

In a group, focus a while on new people, rather than stick with those who are problematic for you. If involved with just one of these women, protect your private information, and turn the conversation toward a particular issue of interest to you.

These steps, practised whenever confronted with other people’s negative behaviour toward you, are a shield that separates you emotionally from feeling hurt.

You then remain the strong person, while they reveal their weakness of character.

Q My cousin overseas has an adopted teenage daughter who keeps harming herself. She’s severely manic/ depressive/ suicidal.

I promised her pre- COVID that, if she finished school, stopped acting out/ fighting/ harming herself, she could visit Toronto.

Her mother wants her daughter to come here now, while she vacations in Spain.

My parents were abusive, and my mother committed suicide, so I know the signs.

Any Advice?

A I published this letter so some psychiatrists/ psychotherapists/ suicide- prevention pros will respond.

Your plan worries me. This very disturbed girl who’d live with you in a different locale for two weeks has little basis for trusting you.

While tasks with rewards may be helpful, the displacement plus your demands could risk putting her over the edge. I urge you to first seek professional advice!

Ellie’s tip of the day

“Mean Girls” was a 2004 movie. In 2020, no one should tolerate repeated meanness from a “friend.”