Try to find value in unwanted advice

Q I’m a plumber’s apprentice, enjoying my chosen trade, and hoping to advance in it. We plumbers are badly needed when there’s a house or factory with faulty plumbing, which could cause serious water damage to a family home, or large business employing many people.

They could be temporarily laid off or have to leave their homes and usual comforts because of a plumbing accident.

You might be surprised that my training period has raised a relationship issue which is worrying me. A senior plumber has been assigned to train me in my apprentice course, but I’m having a problem with what he thinks is part of his job.

The problem is that my “teacher” treats me more like his son than as a seriousminded apprentice eager to advance in my chosen trade.

He’s a very nice man, always interested in giving me advice as “a dad” (I have my own father who lives in another city).

But my “trainer” takes time from my work at hand. Instead of focusing only on plumbing, he’s telling me stories about raising young kids, how to keep a marriage happy, always being thoughtful of your partner, etc., etc.

How do I tell him, without making him angry, that I want more focus on the things I need to know about plumbing, than on how to raise kids when I’m not even close to getting serious about marriage?

Getting Wrong Information

A Actually, you’re getting broad-ranging information about the other realities of managing the personal responsibilities of a life, besides advancing your work skills.

This “fatherly” man is doing two jobs — one work-related, for which he’s considered qualified by his own bosses, and the other job, offered freely, is offering his personal experience and guidance helping a younger man grow into thoughtful maturity.

I believe that you’re lucky to have this mentor. Look at it that way and you may appreciate him more. I’d even bet there’ll be times ahead when future situations in your personal life will call up useful knowledge that he shared with you.

Feedback Regarding the man badly treated by his wife (April 8):

Reader “I’m a devoted reader, but I wonder if your answer would’ve been different if the gender roles were reversed.

“This man is clearly being emotionally abused by his wife. All types of abuse are inexcusable, regardless of his physical appearance or past mistakes.

“What advice would you give to a woman in a relationship with a man who degrades her and describes how he’d want her to die?”

Ellie Thanks for your readership and interest in this situation. My answer would not be gender-based, because I respond to direct information/clues from the letterwriter … e.g. “I lost about a million dollars … we had a fight about losing the money … she described how she wanted me to die.”

So ugly, but major financial loss by a partner can arouse such anger.

He says, “I get no love/romance/sex/affection.” Yet he hasn’t left her, and says he stays alive for his parents’ sake.

I felt that if I wrote directly that he should leave her, it could move him to self-harm. So, I wrote the truth more gently — “Your wife’s response is ugly, encouraging their children’s mockery is unacceptable … her nasty treatment is worse than the loss of money.”

I recommended his getting therapy. There is nothing anti-male in my considered answer to help this man see what he needs to acknowledge for himself.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Learning’s a life process, for work and especially for close relationships.