Reaction to column reveals a whole lot

Dear Readers The following response illustrates the disconnect between reading facts and interpreting through personalized outrage.

Regarding the man upset because his wife is no longer interested in sex (April 27): Reader’s Commentary “What gives him rights over his wife’s body?

“There’s nothing ‘disrespectful’ about this man’s wife, or any other wife OR PARTNER OF ANY GENDER, not wanting to have sex. That’s their decision. But it’s as much (if not more) about the other partner caring more about getting their rocks off than about the feelings/comfort of their spouse.

“I can see the value of seeing a therapist/ gynecologist/whatever else, if someone wants to discover more about themselves and their sex drive.

“But nobody’s entitled to someone else’s body, no matter how long their marriage. That’s disgusting to suggest.”

Disgusted

Ellie I truly appreciate an impassioned response to a column, when the readers noted what was actually said by the letter writer, and in my response … not what’s imagined.

Relationships can be frustrating for either party when one person changes what went before. They have every right to make that change, but open talk, explanation, or considerations of going separate ways, are all decent, healthy ways to deal with change, discomfort and personal preferences.

Also, both parties have the right to end their relationship — a kinder way to deal with a need for change than just ending what was fine previously, then staying within the relationship but distanced. But avoiding all talk on a sensitive matter that was once mutually agreed, is disrespectful.

Your response was related to your feelings, not the couple’s. Neither you nor I know whether the husband’s only interested in “getting his rocks off.”

He could have achieved that regularly through masturbation or finding other sex partners, but instead he declared, “I love my wife.” Also, neither the letter writer nor I said or considered there’s “entitlement to someone else’s body.” There appears more in your personal reaction to this couple’s situation that has to do with your own experience, than with theirs.

Feedback About the woman who wrote her own relationship advice (April 30):

“I believe respect and trust are essential before marriage. But we also need honesty to determine whether respect and trust are justified. Many potential mates, however, are perfectly honest about their significant failings, but the prospective partner doesn’t listen. Too many of us seem willing to deceive ourselves. As the poet Maya Angelou famously warned, when someone tells you who he is, believe him. When he shows you who he is, believe that, too. We have to be honest with ourselves about the candidates for our love, and not just expect that, if they’re honest, the problem’s solved.

“We must look past the pretty face and admit the presence of deal breakers instead of pretending they’re not there, or secretly planning to ‘fix’ them. Commitment is somewhat iffier. Many people are committed — almost addicted — to very harmful relationships so it isn’t a virtue on its own.

“Meanwhile, healthy communication is the ongoing food and water that will sustain respect and trust. But, if they’re not there to start with or disappear over time, then past a certain point there wouldn’t be much use in it.

“While it can make us more understanding, even if not accepting of perceived serious problems that emerge in our relationship (e.g., adultery, criminal behaviour, addiction, or whatever). So, while it might not hold the union together it could make a breakup less vicious.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

We can only learn from others’ experiences if we get the information correctly.

ELLIE TESHER IS AN ADVICE COLUMNIST