Bruise confirms mother’s concern about her daughter’s boyfriend
When your daughter looks back on this over the next few years, she’ll realize that this guy was not a trustworthy ‘boyfriend’
Q My daughter, from age six, was always happy when the same-age boys allowed her to join their activities because there were no similar-age girls nearby. She was determined to prove she could keep up with the boys.
Now, at 16, my daughter’s “hanging out” with a teenage boy I hadn’t met until they started seeing each other daily. He lives in an expensive neighbourhood, always has money available and invites her to his home right after school. She confessed there’s no parent around as both parents run their family business.
Recently, my daughter and I were out food-shopping together. At the store, I noticed her upper arm was causing her pain and she was grabbing it with her other hand. When I asked what was the matter, she changed the subject.
Under my determined probing, she admitted her boyfriend “likes to do floor combat with her.” She eventually revealed a significant bruise. I raised the topic of abuse, and though she dismissed me as “extreme,” she confessed the wrestling-type activity has become an everyday practice, also saying that “he always apologizes if I say it hurts badly.”
Enough. I told her that I don’t trust this boy. He never comes to our house, and when I forced a situation where he had to pick her up at our place, he barely looked me in the eye.
I told her that “it’s over.” I said she needs to recognize when someone is forcefully overbearing, and insists on things being about their interests. I said that if she saw him secretly, she’d be breaking the trust between us. She ended the relationship.
Did I handle this appropriately?
Sensing Abuse
A You protected your daughter from an aggressive young male who wasn’t likely to change or accept her wanting to stop their so-called “floor combat.”
Otherwise, I believe it would have been her accepting his aggressive behaviour to please him.
Fortunately, you’d previously established your mother-daughter trust during her younger years. She recognized that you were seriously worried for her safety. She respected your judgment, even while struggling with wanting to keep the relationship going.
When she herself looks back on this over the next few years, she’ll realize that this guy was not a trustworthy “boyfriend.”
Q I need your insight and opinion. I’m seeing a surgeon who I find very attractive and I have developed strong feelings for him.
I can’t help but want to be in a relationship with him. I see him once monthly for appointments and always look forward to it and can’t wait to go.
It’s gotten to the point that I cry often thinking about the last appointment I’ll have to see him and the mark he made on me (surgical wound). Just looking at it makes me cry and drives up emotions in me, knowing I want to be with him.
But most probably he’ll reject my advances even if it was ever possible. What should I do? Crushing on My Surgeon
A Know this: You could harm his career. In Canada, physicians must not engage in sexual relations with a patient, nor touch a patient in a sexual manner nor engage in behaviour or make remarks of a sexual nature towards a patient.
If your desire regarding your surgeon persists, I advise you to talk to a counsellor about what sounds like an obsession, not a connection.
Moreover, if you reveal to the surgeon that you have “strong feelings” for him, you’ll likely be passed on to a different specialist for your surgical needs.
FEEDBACK Regarding a man who feels “rushed to marry” (April 7): Reader “The response to this question is full of excellent advice to definitely be heeded.
“Because the two people have met in person after initially dating online, the woman’s push to marry doesn’t necessarily sound like a scam. However, the male letterwriter still needs be cautious about moving forward with any marriage plans.
“Another possibility is that her parents are pushing her to move things along. The pressure, or scam, or intimidation could be coming from them. The man involved needs to meet her family first.
“However, everything could also be legitimate and perhaps she’s just eager, anxious, and/or insecure. I strongly suggest the man plans a visit to see her in her home and meet her friends and family. I suspect the answer will be revealed then, whether it’s worth the effort to pursue the relationship further.”
Ellie’s tip of the day To gain mutual trust with your children, discuss its importance from early years. ELLIE TESHER AND LISI TESHER ARE