How do I break up with my hairdresser?
“I’ve had the same hairdresser for years but haven’t been happy for a while now. Do I have to officially end the relationship? In other words, how do I break up with my hairdresser?” Katie, Brockville
In a world that’s abundant with beauty providers, you probably wouldn’t return to the scene of a so-so facial or mediocre brow service, but for many reasons, hair care interactions seem to take place in a unique realm of entanglement. Tracy Newton of Tracy Newton Hair in Vancouver has worked in the industry for decades and feels there’s an exchange of energy that happens at the salon. “Hair is emotional. It’s our identity, it’s how we express ourselves,” says Newton, who is also the hair cutting educator for the Aveda North America artistic team. “Our clients spend hours with us, so we really get to know them on a personal level.”
Hair is central to many people’s sense of self. “For Black women, our hair has long been a symbol of identity, resistance, creative expression and liberation,” says Shayla Stephen, a registered social worker and therapist with Black Therapist Collective, which operates through Live Free Counselling & Consulting Services in Ontario and Quebec. “Leaving the salon feeling good about our hairstyle can support us in moving through certain spaces with confidence.”
Marilisa Sears considers the connections with her clients to be precious too. “It’s not the worrisome touch of your doctor or the brisk professional touch of your nail tech,” says the Toronto-based artistic director of Marc Anthony Hair Care and MAV Beauty Brands. “This is soothing, massaging and running our hands along your scalp and down your hair. As stylists, it’s so important to remember the trust a client puts in us even before we start the cut.” For Sears, who has 28 years behind the chair, nothing beats the moment after she’s completed a cut when a client puts their hands in their hair and smiles. “Melts me every time,” she says.
These are relationships rooted in intimacy, which can be a double-edged sword when one half wants to move on. “Breaking up with your hairdresser can be a challenge and quite awkward because you’ve probably developed an amicable relationship over time,” says Justine Allen, a qualifying registered psychotherapist, who is also a member of Black Therapist Collective.
If you’re wanting to see someone new, that sense of closeness can stir up complex feelings. “You might fear that your hairdresser will be mad at you if you end the relationship. And with this may come guilt, forcing you to abandon the idea all together and return back to this unhealthy relationship or cycle,” says Allen. But as a paying customer, it’s important to remember that you deserve to feel good, Stephen says.
To begin breaking ties, Stephen and Allen suggest examining the relationship. “Identify what’s not working and what feels right as a result of moving forward,” says Allen. “Perhaps that looks like making space for a conversation in which you have the opportunity to express a need that’s not being met prior to the next visit, giving your hairdresser the opportunity to hear you and adjust accordingly to meet those needs.”
Being respectful, clear and direct is the best way to express your dissatisfaction. “Communicate what you valued about the relationship and/or the environment, while feeling free to be honest about how difficult it was to bring this forward,” says Stephen.
Context can also help you reframe the uncomfortable conversation. “The reality is that people in the service industry can benefit from honest feedback from their clients because those who are open-minded can use that feedback to improve their service and skills,” says Allen. When delivered with empathy, Newton expects the message should be well-received. “Hairstylists tend to be people-pleasers and we will do anything to make sure our clients are happy,” she says, “but relationships change, needs change, people change. For me, a conversation is appreciated, especially if it is a long-time client.”
A frank chat with your soon-to-be-former stylist is also considerate if you’re planning to see a different stylist at the same spot. “Some salons have a great team environment and actually share clients to some extent,” says Newton, who doesn’t take this type of switch personally. “I’d rather the client see someone else in the salon than have them leave altogether. I’ve even referred clients to a different stylist if what they are asking for is out of my skill set or not my esthetic.”
If a breakup talk feels like too much, don’t waste time feeling bad. “For all its intimacy, there is no way to say a proper goodbye, so ghosting works. It’s not considered rude to me,” says Sears. “Sometimes a client will simply vanish, and from the heart, I never wonder if they hated their cut — which perhaps I should — but I always wonder if they are OK.” At the end of the day, you deserve to be happy with it. “Hairstylists don’t own your hair, you have a choice,” says Newton.
Should you muster up the courage for a conversation you might surprise yourself. “The beauty of setting healthy boundaries is that it can be so freeing to be honest with yourself and others about your feelings,” says Stephen. “And the more you do it, the easier it becomes to set healthy boundaries in other areas of your life.” It could be the start of an empowering new chapter, complete with a great new ’do.