Kids’ non-stop fighting drives us crazy
Sometimes you have to work through the noise and let kids find solutions on their own
Q My wife and I have two kids, a 10-year-old daughter and a eightyear old son. They both have lots of friends, get along with their teachers, and are generally agreeable. The problem? They can’t seem to go a day without fighting with each other. The conflict can be about anything: who gets to use the iPad first, who got the bigger slice of cake, who gets to sit beside me or my wife on the couch … The list goes on. Honestly, it’s pretty dumb stuff. And it goes from 0 to 60 in moments — one second it’s peaceful and then next they’re at war.
My wife tries to referee their arguments, so much so that our little guy now calls for her backup if he can’t win a fight with his sister. And then our daughter feels like it’s never fair to her. As for me, the sound of their bickering just lights up a part of my brain and I lose it. I end up barking at everyone and maybe it will end the conflict but doesn’t exactly solve it.
I know siblings are going to fight,but there has to be a better way of bringing down the conflict — and the volume. Help!
Bonkers over bickering
A No matter how many times I write about parenting, I just always come back to the same thought: Man, this is hard. Deep, I know. We talk a lot about having kids and not enough about raising them. Kids are born with some amount of natural inclinations and genetics, but the rest has to be taught in one way or another. And some skills take a really long time to take root. Your family is in the thick of one of the steepest learning curves.
Let’s break down what you want your kids to learn. Obviously, it’s important to know how to get along with others, even when we don’t really feel like it. This will be important in school, at work, in relationships and in families. Also, we want our kids to be considerate. Nobody enjoys being around conflict and everyone in a family has varying degrees of responsibility for making home a pleasant place to be. Both of these lessons take time, practice and patience to absorb.
I’ve read a lot of parenting experts stress the importance of catching your kids doing the right thing. So, when they’re co-operating on a chore or just having fun together, take a minute to praise them for it. Dr. Stephanie Lee of the Child Mind Institute takes it a step further. She encourages parents to set up a “Tootle don’t tattle” system, whereby kids get praise or even prizes for noticing kind behaviour in each other. I think it’s really smart. It’s harder to be annoyed with your brother if you’ve been on the look out for him sharing the last cookie with you or letting you choose for movie night.
Give kids a chance to work things out on their own. I am well aware that the high-pitched tones of child squabbling is wildly aggravating. And I think all of us have had the impulse to make it stop by either your wife’s impulse to settle the arguments, or yours, to shut them down. But neither of those responses allows kids to get better at resolving conflict. Trying counting to 10 (or whatever you can tolerate) and see if they figure it out. If however, you can hear that they’re just going around and around, or getting increasingly nastier, you can absolutely call a time out. Send them each in a different direction and let them cool down. There are plenty of times when the best result isn’t a decision on who was in the wrong but getting a break from each other.
It’s a good idea to have occasional family meetings about how you will all talk to each other. For example, no name calling, no hitting. Ask the kids to come with ideas for rules that might be helpful. Would your son like his sister to knock before coming into his room? Maybe your daughter will come up with a schedule for who picks movies on Friday nights. Not only is it easier for kids to follow rules they had a hand in creating, you’re expressing your faith in their ability to problem solve. Which ultimately is the name of the game. Good luck to you!