Can I get a good cuppa joe?
Why is Tim Hortons expanding its menu offerings while failing to make coffee that doesn’t destroy your will to live?
How long until Tim Hortons sells sushi, falafel, paella or grout cleaner?
The once-beloved Canadian chain is now a brand plank in a multinational run by execs who couldn’t identify the real Tim Horton in a team photo of the 1967 Toronto Maple Leafs. Is that him? No, that’s Red Kelly. What about this guy? That’s Eddie Shack.
Now, I don’t care if a suit in a C-suite knows a Johnny Bower from a Terry Sawchuk, but I am perpetually confused as to why Tim Hortons keeps expanding its menu and merch offerings while failing to make a cup of coffee that doesn’t destroy your will to live.
Mamma Mia, now Timmies is a pizzeria?
On Wednesday, the chain started selling flatbreads. A Star reader emailed me about this gustatory mystery and simply asked, “Why?”
It’s one of those unanswerable questions. Do we have free will? Why do we dream? Is there life after death? And if so, if my ghostself washes down a Bacon Everything pizza with a Blackberry Yuzu Frozen Quencher, does that mean I ended up in hell?
Why is Tim Hortons selling pizza when it is flummoxed by java?
Why?
The press release on Wednesday started with this line: “The results are in: Canada loves Tim Hortons Flatbread Pizza!” Huh? How can we love something we haven’t yet tried? Will some compatriots love this Flatbread Pizza? Probably. There were people who bought Cheetos Lip Balm and Clairol Touch of Yogurt Shampoo. My wife loves the sandwiches at Tim Hortons, especially at airports. I have idled in a departures lounge as she queued up and I fought the urge to Google a divorce lawyer close to Pearson.
But I’m pretty sure this new foray by Tim Hortons has not triggered an emergency Zoom call among the leaders at Pizza Pizza, Little Caesars, Pizza Hut and Domino’s.
You can’t Zoom while doubled over in double-double hysterics.
I’m trying to imagine a situation in which I’d eat pizza from Tim Hortons.
Lost a bet? Forced at gunpoint? Shipwrecked on a deserted island as a slice of Chicken Parmesan falls out of a passing chopper? Even then, I’d probably stick to coconuts.
If Timmies had not backslid away from quality and freshness over the past decade, I wouldn’t run my yap a couple of times a year.
If the customer service was beyond reproach, there would be no reason to point fingers crusted with stale fritters.
But as I have written in the past, I do not get how a coffee chain is clueless about coffee.
I could MacGyver a better mug of joe with pinto beans, muddy water, a Bunsen burner and improvised filters made from Charmin or Cottonelle.
When I taste-tested Tim’s Cold Brew and Vanilla Cream Cold Brew a couple of years ago, I genuinely felt queasy. Maybe it was psychosomatic, like tiptoeing into a moat when you’re terrified of crocs.
I expected to be grossed out and I was.
I sometimes wonder why there isn’t a black market for antacids as drug dealers lurk in the shadows of a Tim’s drive-thru: “What did you get? Pizza with double smoked bacon and garlic cream cheese? Let me help. Rolaids? Mylanta? Gaviscon? Pepto-Bismol? Tums?”
Every time I trash this “iconic” brand, I hear from Canadians across this great land. Most agree with the observation that, compared to other options, this coffee tastes like bland sludge in which tepid water was filtered through packing peanuts into a carafe of soot.
But in some small towns, Timmies is the only option. All the more reason for it to honour its roots by learning to make a watery coffee that does not elicit a gag reflex. If I lived in a small town, I’d much prefer to be close to an asbestos factory than a Tim Hortons.
Pizza? What’s next? The Tim Turducken? Hortons Hakka Noodles?
Tim Hortons selling pizza is like LensCrafters selling sex toys.
Core competence is the key to retail, hospitality, food and beverage and all service sectors. If my car is on a hoist at Mr. Lube, I want the tech to recommend a synthetic oil and not upsell me with meat loaf. I don’t go to the Keg when I’m in the market for new boots. I know what to expect when entering Sobeys and it is not chandeliers.
Meanwhile, Tims is now hawking Unisex Crewnecks and Retro Logo Dad Hats. You can buy a Cup Shaped Pillow and Set of 6 Pens, which may prove handy when you feel an urge to jot down your last will and testament after recklessly swallowing sketchy Omelette Bites.
What you can’t buy is an outstanding cup of coffee.
Tim Hortons? Please master that before you moonlight with pizza.