Common sense goes up in smoke
You think your neighbour’s old charcoal grill is a fire hazard?
Just wait until there is a Thermonator prowling the other side of the fence. More proof we are in the end of days: the world’s first robot dog with flame-thrower went on sale this week.
The perfect gift for a pyromaniac seeking a lethal pet.
At 37 pounds, Thermonator is roughly the weight of a bearded collie. But unlike a bearded collie, Thermonator can go full dragon. As the company, Throwflame, notes: “This quadruped is coupled with the ARC Flamethrower to deliver on-demand fires anywhere!”
What could possibly go wrong?
As a kid, we’d visit a family friend who had a big dog with a loud bark. That dog scared me because it was clinically insane. Sometimes it would growl at phantoms in the heating ducts. Sometimes it would chase its tail and turn into a spinning top. Sometimes it would just stare like it was trying to hypnotize you into becoming a pro-treat guerrilla soldier.
But at no time did we fret about that dog suddenly incinerating us with a 30-foot flame as we munched on Chex snacks. My childhood wardrobe came from Sears. They didn’t sell flame-retardant Toughskins.
My mom brought the host flowers, not a fire extinguisher.
We live in strange times. Some of our brightest minds are working tirelessly on climate change or trying to discover molecular breakthroughs in cancer treatment. Then there are tech bros sipping Michelob Ultra in the company ball pit as they spitball ideas: “I know. What about a pterodactyl drone that can shoot laser beams out of its eyes?”
Throwflame accentuates the positive in its marketing. For $9,420, Thermonator can be used for “Wildfire Control and Prevention,” “Agricultural Management,” Ecological Conservation,” “Snow and Ice Removal” and “Entertainment and SFX.”
After a snowstorm, admittedly, it would be nice to ditch the shovel and send your robot dog out to clear the sidewalks. Then again, there’s a good chance you’d be sued for millions after it accidentally torched your neighbour’s Subaru.
It’s the last marketing bullet that is troubling.
Entertainment and special effects? People already hurt themselves with fireworks. You can’t just have a bunch of headless, flame-throwing robot dogs walking around while terrifying children and adults saddled with pyrophobia.
We also know all about tech glitches. Your laptop is not supposed to crash. But one day it will. So what happens if Thermonator short-circuits and belches a bonfire as you are in the den quietly watching “Jeopardy!” in your PJs?
Your house burning to the ground is what happens.
Are there not enough dangers in this world? We already have automatic weapons, cigarettes, fentanyl, a new capital gains tax, Goop. Have these robot inventors never watched “Black Mirror”?
Can you imagine encountering one of these four-legged harbingers of the apocalypse as you are out for an evening stroll? You pat it on its geo-locator and coo, “Who’s a good boy? Good boy!”
But it does not understand you. And then, in a horrifying flash, an ambulance is rushing you to the ER as you writhe in pain on a gurney with first-degree burns to your groin. Bad boy!
A new flame-throwing robot dog is proof common sense has gone up in smoke.
I can’t believe it’s illegal in Alberta to have a pet rat, but now any anti-government separatist can live off the grid with a robot dog that’s going to start even more forest fires.
Here’s the thing: anyone who really wants a fire-spitting robot dog is someone who should never have a fire-spitting robot dog. If a friend told you they are saving up for a rocket-propelled grenade launcher to keep the squirrels away from the bird feeder, you’d cancel that next planned outing at Red Lobster.
So, no, I’m not buying the marketing bullets. Throwflame uploaded a promo reel to YouTube this week. The orchestral score is vaguely Third Reich. The vibe is “Mad Max.” I didn’t see any scenes in which Thermonator was using incendiary superpowers for ecological good. I just saw streams of fire shooting uncontrollably out of a creepy mechanical beast the way trash talk shoots out of Brad Marchand’s creepy mouth.
The video even uses an ominous quote from the Bhagavad Gita: “Now I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds.” I will refrain from citing Oppenheimer two columns in a row.
Living in a free society includes freedom as consumers. I get it. We have also had many other sketchy products somehow reach market over the years. Anyone remember the Zulu Blow Gun Game? Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab?
Here you go, kids. Uranium and radiation can be fun for the whole family!
Dogs did not become man’s best friend by virtue of Lidar mapping, FPV navigation or instant ARC ignition. And robots should help humans — not make us run for our lives. Bad boy!