Guilt mingles with grief after death

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend died unexpectedly a few months ago, and it has been a struggle to get through my sadness. We had been through a lot in the year and a half we were dating, including some infidelities on my part.

Aside from my sadness and guilt, I’m struggling with the fear that I’ll never live down my infidelities or be able to make it up to him. It is clouding the positive memories I have of him. Please help. — SAD IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR SAD: None of us can change the past. I assume that you have now learned it’s best to remain faithful in your romantic relationships. The next step is to resolve that in future relationships you won’t stray, and if you are tempted to, you will discuss with your boyfriend what you feel is missing in your relationship.

As to how to disrupt the intrusive memories that keep flooding back, a technique many people use is to remind themselves to stay in the moment each time an unwanted memory pops up. The technique is called “mindfulness,” and it works.

DEAR ABBY: I work out twice a week with a friend, and we usually do part of our workout on the treadmill. Twice, a woman has ordered us to stop talking because we “bother” her. She wears headphones but she says she can still hear us. This is a gym, not a library. We never monopolize the machines. I would appreciate your thoughts. — CHERYL IN HOUSTON

DEAR CHERYL: When people work out at a shared facility, they have to expect there will be other people there. If the woman complains again, suggest she move to a treadmill farther away or increase the volume on her headphones. However, if that doesn’t satisfy her, mention she might be happier if she worked out at a different time when the place isn’t as full.