Teen’s story a wakeup call: dad
Youth engaged with issues around consent, sexual assault, bullying, Canning says
Five agonizing years of what-ifs can’t bring Rehtaeh Parsons back.
“I have a million what-ifs,” said Glen Canning, Rehtaeh’s father. “What if I called on her the day she took this awful step. I really do wish I had called her.”
The awful and fateful step Rehtaeh Parsons, 17, took was to attempt to take her life in her Dartmouth bedroom on April 4, 2013. She suffered brain damage and was taken off life support three days later, April 7.
Her grieving mother, Leah Parsons, later posted on Facebook, “Rehtaeh is gone today because of the four boys that thought raping a 15-year-old girl was OK and to distribute a photo to ruin her spirit and reputation would be fun.”
The incident that Leah Parsons pointed to had taken place at a small Eastern Passage house party 17 months earlier when Rehtaeh was just 15. Rehtaeh said she was sexually assaulted and a picture of one of the boys having sex with her as she leaned out a window was widely distributed through her school and peer group. The photo of the boy, 17, giving the thumbs-up is now a sealed court exhibit but its distribution led to Rethaeh being constantly cyberbullied and harrassed on social media.
The RCMP confirmed that after a lengthy investigation into the sexual assault and after consultation with the Crown consultation, it was determined there was insufficient evidence to lay charges.
Eventually, two of the boys involved were charged in relation to the photo. The boy who appeared in the picture with Rehtaeh pleaded guilty to distributing child pornography and was sentenced to a year’s probation. Another received a conditional discharge after pleading guilty to making child pornography by taking the photo.
And the what-ifs still haunt Canning.
Canning, now 54, wrote in a recent blog that he had been so proud of the relationship he had with his daughter and how often they spoke.
“But on the day she died, I thought about calling but put it off. I put it off and I’ll never know what could have been. I could have called and helped her get to a better place, calm her down, get her thoughts back on track, let her know how much she means to me, how much life she has yet to live.”
Canning uses his regrets to reach out to others.
“That’s just something I have to live with,” he said. “That’s why I tell people all the time, ‘if you know somebody who is in a really bad place, don’t think I’ll call them tomorrow.’ Call them right now.”
In another blog, Canning talks about taking consolation from the last time he did speak with his daughter, the day before her suicide attempt.
“I picked her up from an appointment with a counsellor and drove her home to her mom’s house in Cole Harbour,” he writes. “The trip took about 20 minutes and I replay it in my head always.
“I’m so grateful her last words to me were ‘I love you dad.’ As am I grateful my last words to her were the same, ‘I love you Rae.’”
Canning has reconciled himself with the fact that there will never be justice for Rehtaeh. He now searches for positives to pull from the tragic situation.
“It’s been a huge wakeup call for a lot of people from parents, to the police, to the courts, to teachers, everybody. Rae’s story has been a big wakeup call and I think it’s brought a lot of positive changes, especially when it comes to supporting people who come in and say they were assaulted. I think that’s made a huge difference.”
Canning moved to Toronto two years ago, trying to distance himself ever-so-slightly from his daughter’s story. He dedicates part of his life to getting young men in tune with issues of violence against women and to get more consent education into high schools so that people understand what that actually means.
“It doesn’t mean a great big yelling no, it means a lack of yes is also an issue of consent. In Rae’s case, that definitely rings true.”
Leah Parsons, too, reflected recently about the painful anniversary of her daughter’s death.
“She was only 17, she did not have enough time,” Parsons wrote in a Facebook post. “This continues to break my heart over and over again. But I feel her strength everyday. I feel her in every move I make. Rehtaeh knows how hard I am struggling right now. I feel her so strongly this week. Every year around this time she sends me reminders of her purpose — our purpose.”