Loss of loved ones harder over the holidays, says hospice
‘There is no prescription for grief’
TRURO — Helping those who have lost loved ones realize the hard reality that grief never ends is a large part of what the Colchester East Hants Hospice Society tries to accomplish.
“Grief is normal,” said social worker Jane Rogers. “If you live long enough, you will experience grief.”
“What we try to do is help people realize that you can’t try to hide from it. Because if you do, it’s going to come out in some other way. So you need to experience grief – and you never get over it. You have to find a way to move forward with it. The grief doesn’t change, but your life expands again around it.”
Unexpected triggers can occur through the senses during different experiences.
“It’s the ones that you don’t anticipate that seem to take you out a little bit quicker and harder,” said executive director Stacey Harrison.
Experiencing normal activities is part of understanding how grief is normal. Chair yoga sessions at the Douglas Recreation Centre on Nov. 20, 27 and Dec. 4 and 11 are one example of how the hospice is helping people do that.
And the hospice team is approachable, understanding how difficult those conversations can be. Grief is unique to the person – but it is not wise to model after others, said Harrison.
“I think that’s why people find it so uncomfortable, though, because we like to have a plan or a straightforward way ... there is no step-by-step way (of dealing) that you can just give to every single person with very different lives,” adds child and youth grief and bereavement social worker Shanda White.
Rogers said that some people will ignore the holiday altogether while others might set a plate out or an empty seat for whoever is not there.
“(It’s) whatever makes sense to you, there is no right or wrong,” said Rogers.
Every anniversary or holiday has an element of grief when memories return.
“Christmas is always tagged as the most wonderful time of the year and happiest time,” said White. “It’s all about family and friendships and love and gathering. But there’s a lot of people that don’t have that person that they want to gather with, or that person that they love the most.
“You want to be excited about Christmas, but there’s just so many different feelings that are added to an already complicated thing for people.”
Each year the hospice runs its annual “angels remembered” tree lighting, with a tree outside its hospice on 89 Queen St. being lit on Dec. 2 along with other trees throughout the region. In addition, people are invited to place an angel ornament in memory of someone in acknowledgement.
PEOPLE OF COLCHESTER COMING TO TERMS WITH COVID, MASS SHOOTING
Recent years have not been easy for Nova Scotians. COVID brought many feelings of isolation and despair, and some people lost loved ones to the virus. And in April of 2020, 22 people and an unborn baby were killed in a series of attacks. The anniversary saw those affected coping in diverse ways.
“Everybody got a taste of grief during the COVID lockdowns by losing something,” said Francis. “And it’s only temporary, but then the people who had a loved one die, either from COVID or from other natural causes, and not so natural causes, then they suffered even more, because they couldn’t go and do those rituals that they normally would when someone dies.”
Rogers said she has had several referrals recently from people whose compounded grief returned to them after COVID restrictions lessened and they were able to hold a celebration of life.
The hospice runs group sessions throughout the region, and there is an open house on Nov. 18 at the Brookfield Fire Hall. Recently, a new peer grief support group has started for those who have lost adult children.
“It’s a hard grief to live with, said Rogers. “You’re not supposed to lose your child at any age.”
On Nov. 16, National Grief and Bereavement Day, the team started Facebook Live as another way to connect with people and discuss grief. In addition, they will be sharing resources about grief over the holidays on social media.
All in all, grief “sucks,” said Francis, but it exists for a reason.
“At the end of the day, nobody ever exits the other side. Once you’re grieving any kind of loss, then it’s always going to be that memory of what you had, and so whether it’s good or bad, or anything like that, it’s always going to be something that you keep. And once in a while, it’s going to pop back into your life at random moments, and you’re going to realize, ‘Yeah, it still hurts all those years later.’ Any time you’re going to love, you’re going to lose, and you’re going to grieve. It’s the feeling of dealing with that love that you lost.”