Tackling the invisible
Atlantic Canadians navigate gender roles and invisible labour
Dividing housework… it can be the one thing that makes or breaks a couple. Heather Boucher and her husband, Dennis, have strengthened their bond as a couple while navigating proper division of housework.
The two 37-year-olds have been together for nearly 14 years, living together for 12 years. They currently live in Eastern Passage, N.S., with their six-year-old daughter and two cats.
“When Dennis and I first moved in together in 2012, we’d been dating for about two years, and obviously
responsibilities. didn’t have all the kiddo Dennis is in the military so keeping things neat and organized is his wheelhouse. I have ADHD, so staying on top of chores all the time is definitely not my wheelhouse,” Boucher explained.
Dennis, “I love to cook, and God love him, could have given you food poisoning from an ice cube when we first met. So, when we moved in together, we divided the household chores based on our strengths. He took care of much of the cleaning, laundry, et cetera. I took care of all the shopping for the household and cooking.”
In 2017, Boucher and her husband welcomed their daughter into the world, which led them to really focus on how the household labour was split up.
fatherhood “Dennis stepped into in such a beautifully supportive way. It never felt like he was ‘helping’ me with our baby. He was just doing what parents are supposed to do to take care of their baby.
“We took turns with nighttime feedings and wakes, diaper changes, bedtime, nap times, everything,” she said.
“When I was diagnosed with post-partum anxiety and depression, Dennis stepped up even more. It wasn’t even a conversation, he could just see and know what I needed, and would do it.”
FEELING AN IMBALANCE
As their daughter grew up, Boucher and her husband felt they maintained a fairly even split of the housework, even with her husband working at sea for periods of time.
It wasn’t until fall 2023 that Boucher felt an imbalance.
“I was really starting to feel like I was being stretched too thin. I couldn’t quite put it into words. I certainly didn’t want to diminish how much Dennis does for our family in terms of household chores. I certainly know of many
parents households where both work outside the home and all the chores, childcare, housekeeping, meals, still fall to ‘Mum’,” Boucher said.
“That’s not the case in our house, but I was still feeling… something. Then I started reading about the ‘invisible labour’ of women. How, even when physical chores are divided pretty equally, all the ‘behind the scenes’ stuff still tends to default to mothers.
“Kiddo gets sick at school? Call Mum. Christmas shopping for immediate and extended family? Usually Mum. Keeping track of birthday parties and gifts for friends? Usually Mum. Haircuts, doctors’ appointments, dentist appointments, themed outfits for Spirit week at school… usually Mum. I could go on and on.”
After finding an article that described exactly how Boucher was feeling, which
dealing was burnt out from with all of the invisible labour, she sent the article to her husband.
“I told him that this article did a much better job of explaining the mental load burden I was feeling than I had been doing. I told him how much I loved him and how much I appreciate everything he contributes to our household, then asked him to have a read and then maybe we could chat more when he got home,” Boucher recalled.
“I got a message a short while later, after he read the article. He said it was really eye-opening and then said, ‘I can’t wait to get home to start tackling that mental load monster together.’”
After recognizing how the invisible labour naturally fell to Boucher, as the woman in the partnership, she and her husband both strived to be more intentional with splitting up the household.
“We tackled the genderrole issue by continuing to have conversations until we were able to really understand each other’s perspectives. We certainly haven’t got it all figured out. But we both have a better understanding of what invisible labour is,” said Boucher.
“I didn’t realize that’s why I was feeling so burnt out, and Dennis didn’t realize how much extra I was carrying that he couldn’t see. Now that we know, we’re intentional about making sure we’re sharing that load too.”
husband Emily LeBlanc and her have also been together for over a decade and found a split that works for them while remaining very aware of gender roles.
“We both work full-time, and we have three kids. Communication has played a big role in our ability to get this figured out,” said the 41-year-old from Moncton.
“I grew up in a house where there were most certainly gender norms, ones my sister and I fought vehemently against, so there was no way I was willing to repeat those mistakes in my own family and home.”
LeBlanc and her husband also make a conscious effort to chat every so often and make sure both of them feel like there’s an even split.
“My husband and I make it a point to touch base with each other, letting the other know what chores have been checked off the list. This may sound silly, but it’s easy to not notice everything that’s been done, especially in a busy household,” LeBlanc said.
“This way we’re keeping each other informed plus there’s always a show of appreciation for the efforts of the other person. A lot of these issues boil down to being a good, caring partner, and if you want to be one, you will share the load as equally as possible.”
LeBlanc recognizes that herself and her husband grew up in an age where these things weren’t really discussed, and learning to properly communicate has been a rewarding challenge.
“I won’t say there have never been fights. There have been. We weren’t exactly a generation who were taught how to deal with or talk about our feelings, no shade to our parents, that’s just the way it was,” she explained.
“But therapy has given us the tools and abilities to handle things better. We usually discuss what needs doing and make a list. Then, we work away at it, checking things off as we go.
“We keep in mind that we are just two humans trying to do our best. Some days our
depending best looks a bit different, on stress levels.”