Too much hugging?
Sometimes there’s nothing like a handshake to greet someone, rather than full- body embraces that have become common
The hug, once taboo in many families, has become a common greeting among people in North America. But has it gone too far? Douglas Todd explores the phenomenon and the backlash.
The first time I remember being hugged was when I was 18.
I had just returned to Vancouver from three months hitchhiking from Britain to Greece and back again.
I arrived home to Vancouver at 4 a. m. My mother and uncle, who lived with us, showed up to greet me. My uncle suddenly gave me a big hug. I think I liked it. When I tell people this story, some ask if I was psychologically damaged by virtually never being hugged as a young person. The answer is: Could be.
But that’s the sort of thing that happened, or didn’t happen, for many people raised British- style in the 20th century.
It took me until my 20s to really discover hugging. It was a byproduct of hanging out with theatrical, psychological and spiritual types. They like to hug.
Now, like most North Americans, I have probably engaged in thousands of hugs — of all types: full- body, buttout and shoulder to shoulder. With men, women; of all ages, shapes and sexual orientations.
The hug is definitely gaining ground on the handshake.
And even though St. Valentine’s Day, on Tuesday, is mostly associated with kissing, most couples, and everyone else, now know hugging plays no small part in human bonding.
As a result, we now have the worldwide Free Hugs campaign, which delivers hugs on street corners. And the Hugs for Humanity Project, with devotees fanning out across North America to deliver a million hugs.
Has the hugging phenomenon gone too far?
Before exploring that, let’s look at the sociology, psychology and neuroscience of physical embracing.
With few exceptions, hugging is now big among North American family and friends. Teenage girls are crazy about it — to the point some schools have had to impose bans on “extreme hugging” in hallways.
A New York City company, in addition, charges about $ 30 an evening for “cuddle parties.” Even though the 20 strangers who gather to hug wear pyjamas, the rules posted on www. cuddle-party. com make clear there is no sex. Participants say the hugging makes them more “approachable.”
It’s not crazy talk. Behavioural science is providing evidence for what seems intuitively obvious: Hugging can be good for your well- being.
University of Carolina researchers found hugging often causes heart rates and blood pressures to go down. And levels of oxytocin, the hormone associated with mammalian bonding, rise. The only research surprise is men do not seem to receive quite as many positive physiological benefits from hugging as women.
Societal leaders are also modelling hugging, even while it can appear awkward in public. American politicians are entirely into it. Barack Obama. Hillary Clinton. George W. Bush. Sarah Palin.
Jack Layton was an inveterate hugger. Even Canada’s two supposedly uptight politicians, Stephen Harper and former Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff, hug both sexes.
Hugging is even showing up in workplaces, where crusty male bosses and their fear of sexual- harassment complaints once precluded even the mere thought of a friendly embrace.
It was amazing more than a decade ago when otherwise tough- minded journalists in The Vancouver Sun newsroom began to hug. Some female newsroom managers set the example. It was a quiet revolution.
Hugging has also become the thing to do in most religious circles. In churches and synagogues, in yoga and meditation classes, hugging is de rigueur.
And no religious cohort is more into hugging than emotion- packed evangelicals. Some of their squeezes have grown so intimate that leaders have found it necessary to create the more cautious “Christian side- hug.”
One of the few exceptions to inveterate hugging in religious spheres is among Muslims, who are sensitive to the raw power of sexual attraction. Most Muslims have guidelines about touching.
When I am greeting a Muslim woman I have never before met, therefore, I avoid physical contact. This includes when their faces show that they are feeling warm and friendly. A few Muslim women I know well, however, are fine accepting a handshake.
There are other pockets of resistance to hugging in North America.
Writing in the Lesbian News, Juno Parrenas maintained she feels “vulnerable” when men hug her, pressing against her breasts. Men, she wrote, should admit they are displaying “aggression” when spreading out their arms for a hug.
Although Parrenas didn’t speculate on whether there is aggression involved when men or women of any sexual orientation hug other men or women, it was revealing someone was standing up to 21st- century hugging boosterism.
I can appreciate some skepticism about over- hugging. After all, many societies aren’t hooked on it.
In Europe, pecks on the cheek, or handshakes, are often more than fine. Sometimes hugging can feel intrusive; an invasion of one’s personal space.
A Canadian Anglican priest wrote a perceptive column last fall in The Anglican Journal in which he suggested hugging was out of control among some clergy.
Rev. Lee Lambert, of St. Mary’s Anglican Church in Russell, Ont., described female colleagues — whom he called generous “heavy hitters” in the field of pastoral care — almost forcing hugging and stroking on parishioners and others, including him.
Rev. Lambert said many people don’t need to be hugged, touched or cooed over to feel someone’s concern. “Sometimes less really is more,” Lambert wrote. “I find that just knowing someone is there for me makes me stronger, more peaceful, more empowered.”
When I consulted some psychotherapists about the hugging craze, they had concerns about extravagant clasps.
One psychotherapist said excessive hugging could be a substitute for unmet sexual longings. A person’s vulnerability is not so exposed in the safety of hugging, yet the hugger gets the benefit of coming across as super warm.
Another psychotherapist has had patients annoyed their parents, usually their mothers, over- hug — just as they routinely chirp “I love you” after every phone call or good bye. It can cheapen affection, and be a defensive stance.
Hugging can be confusing too. A person engulfed in a tight hug might wonder: “How can I bring up a hard issue I have with you if you’re so huggy toward me?” A hug can shoot down a person, leaving them mistrusting of their own feelings.
Sometimes family, friends and colleagues just don’t feel super- affectionate toward each other. Working through that without a hug — in a way which creates breathing space and boundaries — can lead to a deeper sense of feeling understood and loved.
So, let’s not let the burgeoning hug movement create a new mandatory social requirement. There are definitely times and places for a full- body hug or a shoulder- clutch.
But, in other occasions, there may be no better way to express your fondness, openness — and respect — than with a few kind words and an old- fashioned handshake, especially with eye contact.