Welcome, prospective Canadians, to your citizenship test!

“Quick, Canada: Who was Sir Louis- Hippolyte La Fontaine?

“Prospective immigrants who took this country’s new citizenship test ... have met at least one key criteria for being Canadian: They’ve echoed complaints from nativeborn citizens that questions requiring them to memorize “specific names and dates” from Canada’s early history seem picky and pointless.” — Page B3, The Sun, June 6.

On behalf of Citizenship and Immigration Canada, let me say, prospective citizens, welcome! The following exam, which, among other things, requires you to memorize specific names and dates from Canada’s early history, and which may seem picky and pointless to you, nonetheless will determine whether you become a citizen of this great country, which is to say, you should be so lucky. So suck it up.

The questions, assembled by a team of tenured academics and Trivial Pursuit experts, are designed to test your knowledge of Canadian history and culture, which, granted, may not have all the flash and bang of, say, American history and culture, but it’s one we’re still pretty proud of because, in 145 years of Confederation, our nation has been a model of peace and good government, unless, of course, you happen to be aboriginal, and then you may have a different take on things.

But let’s not dwell on the past.

This test is about your future, and whether or not you will have to return to the godforsaken country from which you came. So good luck! To pass, applicants must score 100 per cent or better. ( All questions guaranteed actual.)

Let’s begin: 1. John A. Macdonald was: ( a) Founder of a fast- food chain. ( b) A tobacco merchant. ( c) A winger with the 1943 New York Rangers.

( d) Drunk, much of the time.

2. William Lyon Mackenzie King was: ( a) Weird. ( b) Really weird.

3. What animal is the official symbol of Canada: ( a) The Telus ad monkey. ( b) Bigfoot. ( c) Winnie the Pooh. ( d) Don Cherry.

4. The two official languages of Canada are: ( a) Mandarin and Cantonese. ( b) Bureaucratese and Flackery.

(c) Whing in gand Complaining.

( d) Coexisting peacefully only on the sides of cereal boxes.

5. What do you call a law before it is passed? ( a) A bill. ( b) A petition. ( c) A proclamation.

( d) The Devil’s Work.

6. The beginning of the national anthem is:

( a) “O Canada, by the dawn’s early light ... ”

( b) “O Canada, it’s the good old hockey game, it’s the best game you can name ... ”

( c)” O Canada, blame Canada, it seems that everything’s gone wrong since Canada came along ... ”

( d) “O Canada, da dee dee dum dee dum ... ”

6. What did the War of 1812 signify?

( a) Something unpleasant happened in 1812.

( b) Two great powers clashed to determine the hegemony of the North American continent.

( c) Canada beat the U. S. at the American national sport.

7. The national sport of Canada is: ( a) Hockey pools. ( b) Cross- border shopping. ( c) Online poker. ( d) Lacrosse, but who are we kidding?

8. Canada’s largest export to its largest trading partner, the U. S., is: ( a) Oil. ( b) Potash. ( c) Comedians. ( d) Resentment.

9. The three parts of Parliament are:

( a) The Power Hungry, the Rigidly Ideological and the Trough Feeders.

( b) The Prime Minister, the Prime Minister’s Office, and Everybody Else Whose Opinions Don’t Matter.

( c) One part Ontario, one part Quebec and one part Everybody Else Whose Opinions Don’t Matter.

10. If you cannot pay for a lawyer, how can you get legal help?

( a) Represent yourself in court.

( b) Apply to the government for Legal Aid.

( c) Choose not to go to court.

11. No, seriously, if you can’t pay for a lawyer, how can you get legal help? ( a) Uh ... ( b) Read up on the law while

serving out your sentence.

12. What are the three key facets of Canada’s system of government?

( a) A federal state, a parliamentary democracy and a constitutional monarchy.

( b) A feral nation, a constipated democracy and an inbred monarchy.

( c) Jealousy, squabbling and loathing.

13. What is the highest honour available to Canadians?

( a) The Order of the British Empire. ( b) The Victoria Cross. ( c) The Stanley Cup. ( d) The Oscar.

14. Who was Sir LouisHippolyte La Fontaine?

( a) The discoverer of the hippopotamus.

( b) The Canadian- born designer of “fascinators.”

( c) A French- Canadian, by the sounds of it.

( d) Nobody real: We were just screwing with you.