Words matter for battered women
Joking about Rihanna and making offhand remarks could have unintended consequences
Everyone has something to say about Rihanna. And they aren’t shy about sharing it. Two “jokes” making the rounds on Twitter are indicative of the level of public discourse: “Wonder if Rihanna flinches when Chris Brown claps?” and “Rihanna’s bus was stopped at the border and agents found pot. They saw her bloodshot eyes, thought she was just travelling with Chris Brown.”
Harmless laughs, right? Just quick blasts of 140 characters or less to pass a few minutes of the day. Except, of course, if you are a battered woman, or the loved one of someone who’s being abused, or you know, Rihanna, who — despite her inhabiting the stratosphere of the pop- music world — is an actual human being.
The way we — and the Grammy- winning pop star herself, who is now back with Brown — talk about “The Incident” has very real consequences for the people living in abusive relationships.
While the public nature of Rihanna’s assault by Brown was a rarity ( a leaked photo of her battered and bruised face lit up computer screens around the world), the act itself is frighteningly common. One in two women in Canada will experience physical or sexual violence in their life, according to Statistics Canada.
Although the assault took place in 2009, the topic remains at the forefront of the pop- culture consciousness. On last week’s Glee, there was a debate over why Chris Brown songs
You have to trust that if they believe they can get the support they need, they are making the best choice for themselves.
LISA FALKOWSKI
WOMEN’S SHELTER DIRECTOR
were forbidden by a character, but she didn’t mind Bobby Brown tunes. A recent Law & Order: SVU episode mirrored the Rihanna/ Brown saga.
So when the public discussion around the 25- year- old singer and her on- again boyfriend takes a turn for the worse ( which it inevitably does), it has some very real consequences.
“Are we having a conversation that encourages someone to come forward? Let’s say I’m talking with a friend, and I say, ‘ Oh, that Rihanna. What was she thinking going back to Chris Brown?’ Meanwhile, this friend hasn’t disclosed to anyone that she is dealing with an abusive relationship,” says Lissa Samantaraya-Shivji at the Calgary Women’s Emergency Shelter.
“That signals right there, ‘ I should really keep this to myself because it’s clearly not safe to share. If she says this about a perfect stranger, what is she going to say about me?’ ”
That initial reaction is the largest determinant as to whether or not somebody goes on to get help, says Lisa Falkowsky, executive director of the CWES. If that person hears, “He’s such a nice guy, I can’t believe it,” that pretty much shuts the door. “Tell me what’s going on. How can I help?” opens the way for a conversation that includes how the person can access resources.
“The key is that people have information so they can make the choice that is best for them,” Falkowsky stresses. “At the end of the day, we can’t look into somebody’s head and heart and know what’s going on. And you have to trust that if they believe they can get the support they need, they are making the best choice for themselves.”
Sometimes, that means staying in or returning to an abusive situation. It’s hard to understand why Rihanna, in particular, would choose to go back to Brown. She has the power and the resources to never again breathe the same air as him. ( Of the women’s shelter clients who return to an abusive partner, one- third say they do so because there is no place else for them to live.)
In an article in January’s Rolling Stone, Rihanna said, “I decided it was more important for me to be happy. I wasn’t going to let anyone’s opinion get in the way of that. Even if it’s a mistake, it’s my mistake.” And she told Elle magazine in Britain that “I have my own reasons, very, very private reasons. Very personal ... ( but the) bottom line is I know him.”
Just this week, Brown said on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show that he’s worked for his girlfriend’s forgiveness. “I just tried my best to be the best man I could be over the years and just show her how remorseful and sorry I was for the incident and that time was probably the worst part of my life.”
No doubt, you have an opinion about that. But before adding your voice, consider what is being said.
“When you are part of that conversation, when you’re Tweeting about this, you have to recognize that people who are experiencing that abuse, literally their lives are in danger. Their children’s lives are in danger. There is a responsibility around that,” Falkowsky says.
Rihanna is the most famous battered woman in the world. She’s said she doesn’t want that to define her and it shouldn’t. But as someone who has also said she doesn’t want to be above her fans, Rihanna owes it to those who don’t have her resources to speak up on the issue of domestic violence, to let them know they aren’t alone, that there is help and hope.