When silence isn’t golden sometimes patience is the best medicine
THIS WEEK’S PARENT TRAP
My nine- year- old granddaughter, who I look after several times a week, has been flatly refusing to talk — to anyone!
She’s shy and has never been a big communicator, but we have always been close and I’m hurt that she ignores any and all attempts to connect on my part.
Her pediatrician has referred her to Children’s Hospital, but what do we do in the meantime?
Do we encourage her to talk or leave it in hopes she’ll tire of the game?
Alarmed Yia Yia, West Vancouver
YOUR TWO CENTS
A phrase in your last sentence may be a clue: “she’ll tire of the game.” Perhaps this is not a game for her. Possibly something serious has happened that caused her to withdraw so suddenly.
Maryke, Vancouver
Like my son, your granddaughter has selective mutism: a serious, but treatable condition. Back off of pressuring her to talk, and be patient.
Jennifer, North Vancouver
MICHELE KAMBOLIS SAYS
When a child refuses to talk for a few days it may seem like a game, or in the very least a powerful way to make adults take notice. But, when a child is selectively mute for weeks or months at a time, it’s far from child’s play. The fact that your granddaughter is shy provides a clue. Selective mutism is a sign of extreme anxiety and experts tell us it may be a form of social phobia. Yet when a child clams up completely, it can make even the most patient of caregivers infuriated. But know that she’s not simply misbehaving and it’s not personal. The more pressure she feels, the more firmly her maladaptive coping strategy will set in. Instead, encourage activities that don’t require speaking ( charades comes to mind), give her other ways to express herself ( some selectively mute kids will gladly talk privately into a tape recorder) and ensure she gets the right kind of treatment ( cognitive behaviour therapy should be at the top of your list).
Through therapy, your granddaughter will learn that her worry thoughts are a product of anxiety and not real threats, and she’ll be coached to use anxiety- reducing thoughts instead. The choice of whether or not to talk is one of the only things your granddaughter can truly control. Once she’s feeling more secure her voice will again be music to your ears.
NEXT WEEK’S PARENT TRAP
My closest friend has children that are similar ages to mine. While she’s one of my favourite people, her kids are a nightmare to be around. Our other friends comment about how they refuse to take family vacations with them. It doesn’t feel right to keep avoiding her invitations for mom and kid visits. How do I maintain a friendship when her children are so unruly?
Frantic Friend, Vancouver
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