It’s natural for adoptees to seek information on birth parents

THIS WEEK’S PARENT TRAP

My son is adopted and has all kinds of fantasies about his adoptive parents — especially his father. We’ve shared as much as we feel will be helpful to him, but his questions are unrelenting. He’s now 16. My husband wants to give him all the information, including the fact that he has two sisters that are still with his birth mom. I think it’s way too early and we should wait until he’s an adult.

Adoptive Mom, Central B. C.

YOUR TWO CENTS

You likely fear that his curiosity means he is dissatisfied with his home life and that your relationship is threatened, but the need to fill in the hole in his history exists independently of any weaknesses in your relationship. It is not born from disloyalty. Sixteen is old enough to know.

Louise, North Vancouver

It doesn’t sound like you want to deliberately alienate him, yet that’s what you’ll do by hiding his own past from him for no good reason. What’s the worst that could happen?

Reimut, Vancouver

Even if he wished to contact his natural parents, this is for interest sake. His bonding is with his adoptive parents who have created a loving home for all. Nature and nurture. You will find it interesting to compare both. I know and did it!

Lenora ( an adoptee), Vancouver

MICHELE KAMBOLIS SAYS

It wasn’t long ago that adoption was “hush- hush” and parents held back sharing a child’s biological beginnings. Now 99 per cent of adopted children know of their adoption and 65 per cent want to meet their birth parents. With that has come a greater number of families openly talking about tummy mommies, and giving their children the great gift of self- knowledge and full acceptance of their life story. But for some, knowing when and what to share can be difficult — especially when our own fears come into play.

It sounds like your son is working hard to integrate his full identity and the shift within him is lighting up a fear within you.

First, ask yourself, “Why am I not talking about this?” Is it because you’re afraid of his reaction, or because you’re afraid of losing your connection? If it’s the former, keep in mind that our job is less about protecting our children from information than it is about helping them emotionally process what is true for them. If it’s the latter, try to come back to your deepest parenting intention — to honour your child through your connection of trust, honesty and a willingness to support his search for a full understanding of his life history.

By answering his questions openly, it’s likely your son will become more connected and secure in knowing you’re firmly planted in your parenting presence.

NEXT WEEK’S PARENT TRAP

I recently found out that my 17- yearold daughter is dating a 23- year- old, and I’m not sure what I should do. I thought my daughter and I had an open relationship where she felt comfortable to talk to me about anything, but her lying about this older boyfriend suggests otherwise. My worry is that she will feel pressured because of the age gap, and that this relationship will distract her from school. I don’t want to push her away with ultimatums and demands, but at the same time I don’t want to treat the situation too lightly!

Anonymous, Vancouver

ADD YOUR TWO CENTS