How do we tell our children?
Tragic events can give parents the opportunity to communicate their values
MONTREAL — Johanne Bussiere was at Ecole Polytechnique the night Marc Lepine killed 14 young women, mostly engineering students. Because she was in a classroom upstairs from where the shootings took place, Bussiere was safe. When the SWAT team cleared the building, she had to leave immediately — without her coat and keys.
At the time, Bussiere’s two children, Evelyne and David, were ages 3 and 5. They accompanied their father when he went to pick her up from the Cote- Vertu metro station that night.
“I thought the kids would ask where my coat was, but they didn’t. We decided to tell them that I lost my keys,” Bussiere recalled.
Over the next few days, partly because she was studying for exams, but also because she wanted to protect her children, Bussiere kept the radio and TV off in her home.
It was not until the children were adolescents that Bussiere and her husband discussed the Polytechnique massacre with them. “They heard about it on TV. That’s when I told them I was there and answered their questions,” Bussiere said.
After such tragedies, parents might struggle with the question of how much — if anything — to tell their children. Should they be given this glimpse at how dark human nature can be? And by keeping children in the dark, are we really protecting them?
Rosemary Reilly, an associate professor in Applied Human Sciences at Concordia University, has studied the effect of trauma on communities, and has a special interest in helping adults — both caregivers and parents — support children following traumatic events.
At the time of the Polytechnique massacre, Reilly ran a home daycare in downtown Montreal.
She never mentioned the tragedy to the children in her daycare, who ranged in age from 18 months to 4 years old. That is in keeping with Reilly’s view that for children age 3 to 8, it is the responsibility of parents to talk about difficult subjects.
It’s not just about parents talking. It’s about listening to what is going on in children’s heads and how they are feeling. ROSEMARY REILLY ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR IN APPLIED HUMAN SCIENCES AT CONCORDIA UNIVERSITY
“Parents know their children best. They know how sensitive their children are and how much their children can comprehend,” Reilly said.
Another thing parents can generally do better than anyone else is provide context after a tragedy, she said. “Parents know what their children are familiar with. They know whether their children have experience with death — for instance, the death of a relative or pet.”
Reilly acknowledges it can sometimes be difficult for parents to decide whether or not to mention a tragic subject. But she cautions that just because a child does not raise the subject, it does not necessarily mean that the child is unaware that something bad has happened.
“Children hear adults talking, even if it’s whispered. Sometimes, even more so if it is whispered, children can think the worst or may blame themselves.”
Of course, the world has changed since 1989. Today, children have far more exposure to news via the Internet. Reilly says parents who suspect their youngsters are aware of, or curious about, a traumatic event should consider broaching the subject — gently.
“For instance, a parent could say, ‘ Have you heard about what happened at the Polytechnique?’ Then depending on the child’s answer, the parent can decide which direction to take. If the child says no, the parent can say, ‘ There was a terrible shooting. If you have some questions, we can talk about it.’ ”
Reilly also urges parents to listen to their children’s concerns. She points out that children age 7, 8 or 9 might not have the sense that they can protect themselves. It is important for parents to reassure children this age that their parents are looking out for them.
“It’s not just about parents talking,” Reilly said. “It’s about listening to what is going on in children’s heads and how they are feeling. We live in a city where there have been three school shootings. A child walking into school may well wonder, ‘ Am I safe?’ ”
And while preteens and teens tend to think they can look after themselves, to the point where they feel invincible, they too need support following tragic events. Reilly recommends that parents of older children consider involving the family in social action projects — such as fundraising for mental health causes, or circulating a petition in support of gun control. “This helps children feel they are not powerless — that they can make a difference.”
Reilly said she believes that discussing what happened at the Polytechnique, even today, gives parents an opportunity to raise the important issue of gender in our culture.
“Whether Lepine’s ideas stemmed from mental illness or suppressed male rage, his target was women. In our culture, men have been limited in their emotional expression and been given licence for anger and rage,” Reilly said. “Boys and men are sometimes punished for expressing their more vulnerable emotions. A boy cuddling a doll, crying, or even feeling fear, may be told: ‘ Man up!’ What does that phrase even mean? It means: ‘ Don’t feel!’ ”
Reilly says it should not fall only to mothers to raise such topics with their children. “Fathers need to talk about how to treat women.”
Ultimately, such challenging conversations can be an opportunity for parents to communicate their basic values, Reilly said.
“Parents can share their own cultural practices and spiritual beliefs, such as a belief in heaven. They can also talk about respect, non- violent means for conflict resolution, and how to deal with frustration.”