FIVE STEPS FOR FIGHTING BETTER WITH YOUR PARTNER

Try this technique next time you go head to head and break out of negative patterns

If you’re like me, you’ve set a least one intention to do something better in 2015. So how about getting better at fighting? Most people in longterm relationships tend to have what I call the “same old, same old” fight — that argument borne of a deeply ingrained negative pattern. In 2015, we’re going to put that one to bed with a technique I call Five for Fighting. This has the potential to revitalize your relationship, if you do it properly and consistently. Both must buy in, in advance. Whoever notices the argument has started grabs this column off the fridge. Both agree to give the other person five minutes of uninterrupted talking time. Flip a coin to see who goes first. The person who loses goes first on the next bout. 1. Face each other about three feet apart in an open, engaged position. Maintain eye contact. The listener must listen. No devices. If the phone rings, unless it’s an emergency, it can wait. 2. The speaker takes a moment to think about how best to use his or her time: What is my intent? What do I want to accomplish? In most cases, it is to be heard and understood. If you want to hurt or punish your partner, then your relationship has already deteriorated — all the more urgent you master this technique. Use respectful language. No abuse, no name-calling. No yelling. If you start to become abusive, the talk is over. Take a short timeout until you calm down. A disturbed brain does not function well. The words “every,” “always,” “never,” “fault” and “blame” are banned in this conversation. 3. The speaker begins. Her tone may be angry, her body taut. Her words come in a torrent, heated and laced with frustration. The listener seethes and begins to form a counterargument. Typically, in the past, perhaps the listener would interrupt and protest the facts, belittle or argue semantics, which would sidetrack into another argument and another layer of frustration. After a minute or so, something magical happens. Given the chance to speak uninterrupted removes the negative patterns. The speaker becomes calm. She uses language that’s more collaborative. The listener hears the change in tone and stops forming his response. The speaker doesn’t have to use her full five minutes. She says “done” as soon as she’s been heard. Which was half of her intent. 4. Now the listener gets his five minutes. When I’ve been the listener, I’ve often found I’m drained of anger by the time it’s my turn. I’ve picked up on my partner’s tone, her language of collaboration. I’m engaged. I still explain my frustration, but I’m not seething anymore. And I need way fewer than five minutes to get to “done.” 5. At the end, each person asks the other what was their intent, and whether it was accomplished, the “being understood” part. Most times, the answer will be “yes.” But sometimes it’s “no,” and that’s OK, especially the first few times you use it. You are invested in this relationship for the long haul. Stick with this technique and over time, you will see more “yes” than “no.” Try this. I guarantee it will make for a happier new year.