‘Racism isn’t dead. It’s just gone undercover’
Doris Coaxum-Sanders spoke to the National Post’s Sarah Boesveld about Wednesday’s tragedy
Emanuel church has been my church for many many years and it has always been the focal point for my worship. I’m 81 years of age, so I’ve been going since I was a young tot. The church itself has a very rich history and legacy because it has been through slavery and the Civil War and the Reconstruction and civil rights and now modern-day America.
We always looked to our church for emotional support and we felt that it was a place where we could meet and we could worship and we could fellowship together. We could do that without fear. And now, look what has happened in the church — the one place that we felt we could be free, the one place that we felt that we could be safe.
To have a tragedy like this occur has given me a lot of feelings. I feel angry, I feel agony and, in fact, my heart is bleeding. And it is marked with scars — the scar of every individual who lost his or her life in church Wednesday evening.
I was at the church earlier, that was about six o’clock and I stayed until about quarter to eight in another meeting and left before the Bible study convened. I saw the group because we were, after the meeting, you know how you kind of chat and talk? They wanted to begin the meeting and wanted us out of there because they started singing. I was not aware the meeting was going to convene because I looked at the time and I said, “Oh gosh, they’re going to have Bible study? It’s almost eight o’clock now.” The normal hour for Bible study is six o’clock.
Later on, someone called me and said, “There’s been a shooting at the church and the pastor is dead.” I said, “Stop playing with me.” They said, “I’m not playing, Doris, it is true — do you have your news on?” So I went and turned on the television and the message was confirmed. I was stunned, I was shocked. I told my husband, “I’m going down to the church,” and he said, “No, you’re not.” I said, “You’re either coming with me or I’m going alone.” So then we went down to the church. The Embassy Suites hotel across the street from the church had opened up their reception area to us. Everyone met in their large room. They brought the family members in two at a time and spoke to them. They never gave us the results of what had occurred or who was alive and who was not alive.
As I tried to sleep Wednesday night, I said, “There is an important message in this whole situation for me, God, and I’m trying to find out ‘ What is the message?’
Right now in our church community, there’s a feeling of shock, a feeling of unity, a feeling of holding up because we know families are suffering a lot more than we are suffering.
“The shooter could have entered while I was in my meeting and a lot more people would have been killed. In my meeting there were 30 or 35 persons. I said, “It was just by the grace of God he did not enter the meeting that I was in because I probably would have been one of those vital statistics.”
Right now in our church community, there’s a feeling of shock, a feeling of unity, a feeling of holding up because we know families are suffering a lot more than we are suffering. There’s a feeling of togetherness and sorrow. I think also it was a sigh of relief when we knew the individual had been caught. I thanked God that we had security cameras and that they were on. Sometimes you have those cameras and they’re not turned on. But I also felt sorry for such a young person to now be involved in a crime such as this. Because it’s a loss on both parts, you know? Twenty-one years of age — he hasn’t even begun to live yet.
Racism isn’t dead. It has gone undercover, and it’s too bad it’s coming out in our young people. And we just have to keep working to try to eradicate it. Those charges certainly are appropriate. It was murder, to me it was premeditated murder. They were in a Bible study. They had to be talking about love and caring, and how we should treat people. Those kinds of things had to be present, you know? For someone to sit through that and then carry out an act like that, I can’t understand it.
I am so saddened for the families of these individuals because they were unique people within themselves. One of them had a great sense of humour, one of them was very insightful, one was very creative. One was very intelligent, one was an outstanding minister — but they all had one thing in common: they loved the Lord and they loved their church...
I believe in God and I believe in His wisdom and I believe in His mercy and I know in time I’m going to heal. But right now I’m asking, “Why?” What I have done all day is I repeated the shepherd’s psalm, “The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want.” I said that over and over again because it’s medicine for my heart right now — a heart that aches, a heart that is bleeding and a heart that is scarred and a heart that is broken.