Dial down anxiety for the school year
When my three sons were young, the arrival of September brought that strange blend of relief, expectation and anxiety. School, hockey, piano lessons, band practice, karate — our lives got busy.
We wanted our kids to have, to experience, to excel, so they could become “successful” adults, but all that parent-driven activity may not have been such a good idea.
A 2011 study at the University of Tennessee found students with “hovering” or “helicopter” parents were more likely to be medicated for anxiety and/or depression. Another study published in the 2013 Journal of Child and Family Studies found college students with helicopter parents reported “significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction in life, and attributed this diminishment in well-being to a violation of the students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence.”
Madeline Levine, author of The Price of Privilege, says that there are three ways we over-parent:
• When we do for our kids what they can already do for themselves.
• When we do for our kids what they can almost do for themselves.
• When our parenting behaviour is motivated by our own egos. As in, you can’t do this without me.
Our kids need to struggle and to fail, otherwise they don’t learn effective problem solving and coping skills. They don’t learn to be self-confident and self-reliant and this can lead to the development of debilitating behaviour — an inability to commit to anything for fear it will be the wrong decision or avoiding any conflict or difficult situation because of a lack of problem-solving skills.
The modern parent’s need to manage and constantly supervise can create this kind of paralyzing anxiety. So, how to stop?
• Don’t do your child’s homework. (I know a teacher who wrote her son’s college entry essay.)
• Don’t resolve every friend or sibling conflict. Watch, but don’t step in unless someone is about to get hurt. • Allow unstructured free play. • Let children make mistakes and fail. Deconstruct the failure with them, not to determine blame, but to facilitate learning, so they can see how not to make the same mistake again. And don’t freak out when they make the same mistake again. It takes a few tries for young brains to get it right.
• Give them age-appropriate chores. Demonstrate once or twice then let them have at it. What they’re capable of doing — whether it’s making their own lunches or cleaning their own rooms — allows them that “I’m so proud of myself” experience.
• Allow them to experience disappointment. If they don’t make the team/get the part/win the prize then that’s OK.
• Part-time paid work is beneficial for teens as long as sleep and schoolwork don’t suffer. Studies at the University of California San Diego show that students who work up to 30 hours a week do just as well or even better academically than those who don’t. Working only 12-15 hours a week (as most students do) shouldn’t affect your child’s grades.
As a recovering helicopter parent, your different message to your kid is: “You’ve got to figure this out for yourself.”