Don’t play the shame game
Tips on dealing with the obnoxious over-drinker in your family
‘You get so drunk every year and spoil everyone’s Christmas.” If there’s a problem drinker in your family, that familiar feeling of anxiety, resentment and dread is no doubt starting to build.
I’m sorry you feel like this. You have a right to enjoy the holidays. The easy flow of alcohol makes the season anything but merry in too many families. This week, I want to talk to families about how best to deal with a drinker during the holidays. Too often, families are excluded when it comes to recovery and they are a crucial part of this process.
My next column will address the drinker himself.
For families, what I’m about to suggest ups the chances of real and positive change.
First, what’s a realistic expectation for the holidays, with a drinker in the house? In the DSM-5, the new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, alcoholism is now called alcohol use disorder — mild, moderate or severe. Studies prove that people — particularly those within the mild to moderate range are able to moderate their drinking, especially with a positive support system. For people with severe alcohol disuse order, abstinence may end up being the only option. But if they struggle with abstinence most of the year … chances are they will only struggle more around Christmas. So perhaps the expectation of abstinence sets everyone up for a fail.
Let’s set everyone up for success, by being positive. Evidence shows this approach will help both the drinker and the rest of the family. Begin by building empathy — the cornerstone of healthy relationships. We’ve been so angry for so long at the drinker, this itself may be a challenge. Identify what you believe the problem drinker is thinking and feeling during this difficult time of the year. Surely she or he knows how many times they’ve wrecked family events. They are likely feeling even more pressure to stay sober at a time when alcohol is flowing all around them. What is it in the environment that creates triggers for this person at this time of year? If you don’t know — ask him or her! Maybe there are people or situations to simply avoid. Not going to every event and being selective is a great option.
Now, change your language. “I know it’s very difficult for you when alcohol is constantly in your face and everyone is drinking. What can we do, together, to help? What times might you be able cut down? What if we count the drinks, privately, together and I’ll support you? Let’s say when you get drink No. 4, you switch to soda. If you don’t, I’d be so grateful just knowing you tried.” After experiencing so much shame, the drinker in your life will likely do a double take when you first start talking like an ally and a friend.
Can your family sit down with the drinker to have an honest conversation about expectations? What compromises can be made?
Give the drinker a chance to explain triggers and situations he finds enormously difficult. If your loved one with alcohol abuse disorder feels he’s part of the decision-making process, as opposed to being lectured and told what to do, he’ll be much more open to change.
Some options: the family knows the drinker will drink. So, heresy here, let’s accept some level of drinking, so that the drinker is not hiding his behaviour with stashes all over the house.
If, even after the family changes its behaviour, the situation still gets out of hand, get out of the way. If your loved one gets drunk and abusive, don’t take the bait. Ignore and be gone. There’s a far lesser chance of saying hurtful things if you simply shut your mouth and leave. Explain to the drinker you don’t want to talk. It’s not punitive, it’s not permanent and you’d love to have coffee with her in the morning. (This of course works if no violence is involved. There is a whole other critical response when there is violence that is beyond what is addressed in this article. If that is an issue in your situation please contact an experienced professional).
Can your family agree to not castigate or shame the drinker the next day? Can you ignore the problem behaviour and reward the behaviour you seek? If one day during the holiday went south because of his drinking — haranguing him the next day, will certainly make it two! Or … three!
Extensive research by Dr. Masuma Rahim referenced in the 2015 edition of the U.S. National Institutes of Health National Library of Medicine reports shaming and blaming the substance user makes the problem worse.
These suggestions I offer are not easy. And the rewards may not be immediate. Alcohol use disorders develop over years, so the process of change takes time. But if you’ve had many Christmases ruined by a problem drinker and your reactions caused her or him to feel horrible about it the next day — and they still continue to drink, clearly, then shaming and blaming them is not helping.
If this is a person you love and care about, give them a rare gift: kindness and compassion.
Next column: Drinkers … I’m talking to you.