A leadership bid survey

‘On top of 300 signatures, a $50,000 application fee and the political will, wouldbe leadership candidates are required to submit an application to the party that is 40 pages long (answering) detailed questions about political, personal and financial histories and associations. The Conservatives say the questionnaire is designed to help someone decide whether they should run and for the party to ask itself the same question.”

— The Canadian Press

LEADERSHIP CANDIDATE QUESTIONNAIRE — SCHEDULE A

PLEASE TYPE OR PRINT CLEARLY

Please state your name and address, as well as any aliases or tattoos.

Why do you want to be a candidate for the leadership of the Conservative Party of Canada? No, honestly. We’re fascinated.

Have you carefully read the Conservative Party of Canada declaration of policies and principles?

YES __ NO __

If No, have you maybe skimmed it while watching The X Factor?

Suppose you were prime minister in a Conservative government and you really needed to abandon about three in four of those policies. Would this pose a problem to you personally?

YES __ NO __

Are there other principles and policies not mentioned in the Conservative Party policy declaration that you adhere to and wish to promote?

YES __ NO __

Do any of them start with the letter A?

Do you support the views of, or have you ever had an association with, any groups that promote the secession of any province or region of Canada?

YES __ NO __

Note: “firewall” letters excepted.

Have you been accused of, or been engaged in, activities that promote discrimination against people on the basis of race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, or disability?

YES __ NO __

If No, are you sure you want to lead this party?

How do you plan to approach raising funds for your candidacy? Does it involve personal cheques from Nigel Wright?

In the course of the leadership campaign, someone comes to you with a plan to “sign up” new members from a Quebec cemetery. Do you a) tell them to get lost b) ask for more information c) add some French to your acceptance speech?

Are you a white male from Alberta? Hmmm. Doesn’t look good, to be honest.

Have you been the subject of any legal proceedings, inquiry or investigation instituted or undertaken by an agency of government or a regulatory body in Canada or elsewhere?

YES __ NO __

If Yes, any tips you could share with us?

Is there anything in your personal or professional background that could cause embarrassment for the party, hinder your ability to perform, adversely affect your candidacy, or demonstrate a lack of integrity if it became public knowledge?

YES __ NO __

Hypothetical examples would include: co-hosting a news conference to announce a “barbaric cultural practices” snitch line; leaving confidential government documents in the home of your mobbed-up girlfriend; spending $50 million earmarked for border security on gazebos for your riding; borrowing a neighbour’s dog for a photo op after your girlfriend dumps you.

How many times have you run for leader of a party before this? a) None. b) Once. c) Twice. d) Tony Clement.

Are you now, or have you ever been, married?

YES __ NO __

If No, what’s up with that? Not insinuating anything, but it’s the first thing people ask.

Are you bilingual?

YES __ NO __

If No, can you at least learn enough phonetic French to get through two debates?

Be honest: deep down, do you even like being around people?

YES __ NO __

We’re not going to find anything truly hideous on your Facebook or Twitter feeds, are we? Seriously, tell us now. Because it’s not like the Internet forgets these things.

If you could abolish the long- form census in an omnibus bill, then prorogue before anyone found out, would you?

YES __ NO __

Settle a bet: is it more embarrassing: a) to have been fired from the Harper cabinet, or b) not to have been fired from the Harper cabinet?

Are you by any chance the telegenic, bilingual son or daughter of a former prime minister?

YES __ NO __

If Yes, when can you start?