You can resist the tyranny of ‘I should’

Listening more carefully to yourself is the first step, writes Linda Blair.

Have you ever noticed how often you say I “should” to something? Have you also noticed the reluctance you feel as soon as you say that word?

The best way to think of “should” is as a red flag, a warning that what you’re pushing yourself to do is less likely to benefit you than it would if you did something more enjoyable. “Should” implies that you’re trying to please others at the expense of your own preferences, in the hope that they’ll see you as likable, as someone who does the “right thing.”

Sometimes, of course, a “should” is necessary. But even then, when you say “I should” rather than “I’d love to,” or “I’m looking forward to,” you’re registering unnecessary stress.

If you feel driven by “shoulds,” what can you do?

The first step is to listen more carefully to yourself, not only to what you say, but also how you say it. Once you’ve identified your “shoulds,” the times when you feel obligated rather than enthusiastic, ask yourself three questions.

First, why “should” you do whatever it is? Are you fulfilling yourself, or are you trying to please someone else? Second, what would happen if you didn’t do it? Is it really necessary? Third, if it is necessary, could you achieve the same result more enjoyably?

You’re now in a position to clear away or change those things that are dampening your enjoyment of life and stealing your energy.

Let’s start with the “shoulds” you don’t need to do. You feel you “should” try for a promotion at work. Everyone tells you that you deserve higher status and you need a larger salary. However, you love what you’re doing, your coworkers are great, you earn enough to meet your needs. Plus, you treasure the fact you’re under little pressure to work long hours. Why try to please everyone else at your own expense? Stay where you are.

On the other hand, what if the “should” is something you really need to do, but the way you’re going about it isn’t enjoyable? You feel you “should” go to the gym. You hate gyms, preferring a long walk with your dog in the fresh air. You only go to the gym because a friend who’s really fit loves the gym, so you feel you “should” get fit that way as well. Of course, keeping fit is an important habit, but why do it in a way that makes you miserable? Walk the dog. You’re more likely to stick at exercise you enjoy, and thus derive the long-term benefits.

Look out for your “shoulds.” Discard those things you don’t need to do, and take steps to make the necessary tasks more enjoyable. As a result, you’ll feel happier and more truly yourself.