Canadians don’t agree on flirting and harassment
“Really, everybody knows the difference between flirting and harassment.”
We have heard this many times in reference to #MeToo and Hollywood’s #Timesup movement, with many saying only Neanderthals or the dangerously disingenuous do not distinguish between such relational right and wrong.
But two major polls make it clear Canadians, and citizens of other countries, do not at all agree on what constitutes acceptable behaviour when it comes to workplaces, friendliness and flirting.
It does appear, however, most people agree about what constitutes severe sexual assault. That includes stranger rape, familial abuse and using threats of violence or career consequences to obtain sex. Virtually all women and men are rightly repulsed by it.
The victims of serious sexual crimes are done a disservice, however, when we, as a society, use language that equates things like stranger rape to most forms of romance-related behaviour, some of which can be merely friendly.
The well-meaning crusade against “micro-aggressions” has contributed to muddying the waters. We’re awash in mixed messages. B.C. psychotherapist Larry Green recently noted how the marketing and entertainment industries constantly promote boundary-crossing sexual behaviour: Thus we have Vancouver ads featuring sexy women with tattoos that read: “Forget the rules.”
In such a context, it’s no surprise a recent poll of Canadians by Vancouver-based Angus Reid Institute and a YouGov survey of five countries found people are decidedly split on the “rules” about hugging, asking a co-worker for a date, wearing sexy clothing, commenting on a smile, touching someone on the shoulder, gazing at a woman’s breasts or asking a colleague out for a drink.
The differing intuitions about ethical behaviour do not diverge much by gender. The variances appear to reflect basic psychological diversity: Some humans tend to be open, while others are inclined to vigilance. One person’s gratitude at being asked on a date is another person’s right to get offended or feel harassed.
The confusion between flirting and harassment echoes the related findings of the Vancouver Foundation, which recently discovered an astonishing 77 per cent of supposedly cosmopolitan Metro Vancouver residents are not willing to ask a question of or initiate a conversation with a stranger.
The Angus Reid Institute found almost four in 10 Canadians believe it is “unacceptable” to ask a co-worker for a date, an act once widely considered positive.
It’s enough to raise the anxiety levels of any soul longing for a relationship. It means a woman or man in a coed workplace now has more than a one-in-three chance of seriously offending the object of their interest. Negative repercussions could follow, including hazards for reputations and even careers.
Forty per cent of Canadians also think it’s “unacceptable” to hug a co-worker, which led to a revealing conversation in The Vancouver Sun and Province newsroom, where some women confessed they may have to rethink their fondness for hugging people of another gender.
A large minority of Canadians also disapprove of additional behaviours many fellow citizens find innocuous, if not charming, including saying someone has a nice smile or touching someone on the arm. One out of five Canadians even disapproved of “afterwork drinks with a co-worker of the opposite sex.”
If by now you’re feeling the cause of romance is on a calamitous slope to disengagement, if not prudishness, you wouldn’t be alone. When noted left-wing lesbian essayist Sarah Schulman came to Vancouver last year, the author of Conflict is Not Abuse had a reputation for being frank about how she likes flirting with women. It doesn’t always go well.
“Telling the truth of interest means taking the risk of being accused,” Schulman writes. “And being accused of desire is as old as history itself. … Why do some of us need to feel and act as though we are being assaulted when we are not?”
Diverging attitudes toward expressing attraction become even more extreme at an international level. A recent YouGov poll found significant behavioural disparity across five Western countries (it didn’t even compare more conservative Eastern cultures).
Is it acceptable to look at a woman’s breasts? The question is charged, even as many Hollywood stars, including #Timesup champion Meryl Streep, have gone from wearing conservative black to showing up at this year’s Oscars in cleavage-revealing scarlet.
YouGov found roughly half of Americans consider it “harassment” to look at a woman’s breasts, but that sentiment dropped to about one in four in Germany.
It is not a breeze to navigate the increasingly perilous waters of romantic interest. Dating etiquette is confused in the West, where many are becoming rigid and others celebrate “forgetting the rules.” So the risks are high.
Do we want to become a society where men and women refuse to be alone with someone of the opposite sex who is not their spouse? Do Canadians seek to mirror the many conservative global cultures where there is strict segregation of the sexes, along with gender-distinct dress codes?
There is definitely something to be said for social modesty, but on balance, I hope we don’t go that route.