They adopted, despite the obstacles
Parents say support they received From ministry was paramount
Looking at the medical records of little Howie, you wouldn’t fault the Destobels from turning around and not adopting the seven-month-old baby. There were all sorts of warning signs of potential health issues, of things that could go wrong down the road because of his birth mother’s substance abuse.
“Our fears evaporated as soon as we saw him,” Susanne Destobel said of her now 31/2-year-old son, whom she and husband Shane call their little engineer because he’s so clever at figuring things out. “These kids are not these words they put on paper, all these scary words do not define the children. When I read Howie’s file from time to time, this is not my child, this is not him.”
The Destobels are one of 1,400 families who have adopted in B.C. in the last five years, but that’s not enough. There are still about 1,000 children and youth waiting for permanent homes through adoption. “Is it worth it?” Susanne said. “It can be difficult to get started in the process, at times it’s challenging, but we’re so glad we did do it, it’s so worth it. If you can put in the time, go through the challenges of it, be patient, it’s worth it in the end. You get this child who is this great human being.”
November is Adoption Awareness Month and several landmarks — city halls, B.C. Place Stadium, Vancouver Convention Centre, Science World, the legislature, Royal B.C. Museum, to name a few — will light themselves green hoping to make people aware, for one thing, that adopting isn’t limited to the stereotypical family anymore.
“It’s all types of families nowadays,” said Mary Caros, director of education and community engagement at the Adoptive Families Association of B.C.
“I’d suggest all types of families always existed and there still is that stereotype (of what a family is), but so many families today are blended families.
“In the Indigenous community, it’s always been normal for them to have extended families looking after children. They’ve always had a broader sense of family and caregiving.”
Take Erin McKinney, for instance. About half the kids waiting for adoption in B.C. at any one time are Indigenous and one of them happened to be a relative of hers, someone with whom she shared a grandfather.
McKinney never thought she’d be a mom, let alone adopt, but when the ministry approached her hoping to find a home for her second cousin Nathaniel, she was intrigued. He has been with her since late 2010, when he was six.
“I want to encourage more Aboriginal families. If you have someone in your extended family that is in foster care right now, whether it be a second cousin or a nephew or niece, I can’t stress how important it is to choose to adopt them,” Erin said.
“Even if you’re unsure of that because you’re single, you can’t do it on your own, the Ministry (of Children and Family Development) is all about family reunification. They will go out of their way to support the adoption for you.”
In her case, the ministry stayed involved for about four years, regularly checking up on things.
They asked her to take a parenting course, to change some of her habits. It made her a better parent, she said.
In a video on the Adoptive Families’ website, Nathaniel said getting out of foster care and being adopted by relatives made him feel like he was in a family again.
“It was challenging at times, the first four years were very challenging,” Erin said. “It’s all worked out 100 per cent, yes.”
As Caros pointed out, to be eligible to adopt in B.C. you must be 19 and have lived here at least six months.
“The parents we’re looking for are people committed to be parents and stay the course, be there forever,” she said. “It doesn’t matter if you’re married or single, gay or straight, it doesn’t matter what your ethnicity is.”
Eric Abel and Vince Thai decided as soon as they got married six years ago they’d like to adopt.
Being gay and being visible minorities, they thought they might run into roadblocks and it was a long wait to find the right match, but everything has worked out wonderfully.
Jamestin, who is now six, joined the couple and their two dogs three years ago.
“We thought it might be a struggle,” Abel said.
“We thought it might be difficult. It wasn’t. I wouldn’t say it was easy, but (the ministry and social workers) were very supportive. It was amazing.”
Jamestin has a form of autism that hampered the development of his vocabulary and he arrived at the Thai-Abel household knowing just a couple of simple words.
It’s been a lot of time and work, but the lad’s vocabulary has grown by leaps and bounds, he’s adding new words by the day and attending kindergarten.
“He goes to ice-skating lessons, behavioural intervention sessions. It’s a lot of work, but it’s very rewarding, especially seeing the milestones, seeing him learn new things each day. It’s milestone after milestone,” said Abel.
“We’re so happy.”