HELP TEENS FEEL SEEN & SAFE
Adolescence is even harder in these uncertain times
Recent incidents of police violence and resulting protests highlighting systemic racism, social inequality and police brutality have caused many teens — and adults — already overwhelmed by the ongoing pandemic to feel increasingly anxious and concerned. It can be easy for young people navigating so many layers of uncertainty to feel beleaguered with pain and sadness.
Parents may wonder how to advise children facing an unprecedented moment with no blueprint or guidebook.
Here are five ways adults can address teens’ disappointment, loss and rage: 1 Take a deeper dive
Define, acknowledge and validate the losses and disappointments (big and small). In many ways, we haven’t been very good at this. In the first weeks of panicked pivoting to remote learning and working from home, we saw getting through the day, hour and minute as success. As the situation continues, and as it continues to change, it’s time to take a deeper dive to reflect on how we can cope and live in our new reality.
Jeanmarie Cahill, a psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay area, says many parents are struggling with how to support their children through loss and disappointment, feelings that are compounded by uncertainty about the future. Parents “don’t know what’s normal teenage behaviour, or what has to do with (the coronavirus) or what has to do with seeing a photo on Instagram of their friends not social distancing and they weren’t invited,” Cahill said.
Allow kids the time and space to acknowledge their experiences and feelings. Letting them define the loss gives them a sense of ownership and validates their concerns. It’s especially important because the depth of the crisis highlighted in news stories and images can make their worries seem small by comparison.
2. Identify choices Help kids identify choices, routines and rituals. I’ve been working with students for nearly two decades on executive functioning skills, which include organizing, planning, prioritizing, focusing and completing tasks. Over the past few months, the loss of simple routines and rituals — saying hello to classmates in the hallway, talking to a teacher after class, the daily commute to and from school — has disrupted the sense of normalcy that reinforces safety and stability. Now more than ever, choices, rituals and routines matter, and taking the time to help kids identify ways to start and end their days and weeks, and to transition between activities, can provide a sense of structure. 3 Increase confidence Encourage teens to develop a sense of competence. This new normal is an opportunity for kids to practice executive functioning skills, creative problem-solving and critical thinking to develop increased confidence.
Mimi Zoila, 19, and Tiana Day, 17, met through Instagram less than two days before they organized a peaceful protest over the Golden Gate Bridge in June. Zoila, a student at Orange Coast College in Costa Mesa and a resident of Marin County in California, had obtained a permit for 50 to 300 people to walk across the bridge, and she was looking for someone to help organize and spread the word. Day, who just graduated from high school in San Ramon, Calif., had led a protest in her hometown and offered to help. A friend created a flyer, and Day and Zoila both shared it on social media. Day said her parents provided critical support, and her mom drove into San Francisco with her the day before the event to identify parking and other logistical issues.
There has always been power in taking action in a moment that might otherwise leave you feeling powerless. Right now, this ability to experience a sense of autonomy and competence is all the more important, whether it relates to school or urgent social issues. Acting as background singers to your children’s lead vocals can help them solidify skills and gain a sense of competence that builds confidence. 4 Think creatively Promote an exploratory mindset. It’s vital to encourage teenagers to think creatively and come up with alternative solutions when initial plans dissolve.
Oliver Gower, 18, a recent high school graduate from Newton, Mass., has been looking online for jobs he could do while stuck at home. His mom, who works in marketing, helped him line up a job doing voice-overs, and he has now found somewhat consistent work — doing something he had never imagined.
For parents and caregivers, it may be as simple as starting to ask open-ended questions without judgment: What are five skills you’d like to learn over the summer? What are three ways you can be of service to your family and community? What are some daily habits that promote your social and emotional wellness?
One of my students decided to check in on all of her elderly neighbours (from a safe distance) about helping with errands. In this moment, it can be easy to get stuck on what can’t be done. Creative thinking can open up new avenues.
Over the past few months, the loss of simple routines and rituals — saying hello to classmates in the hallway, talking to a teacher after class, the daily commute to and from school — has disrupted the sense of normalcy that reinforces safety and stability.
5 Establish connections Encourage them to establish connections. When schools closed and students started doing everything online, old rules about social media and technology use went out the window. With so many ways of interacting off-limits because of social distancing, young people can benefit from parents encouraging positive ways to stay connected, to help teens cope with stress and reflect on social change.
Allowing teens space to connect with friends also creates opportunities for more meaningful connections with the adults in their lives.
And it can lessen conflict and allow for mutual respect at home, providing relief from the trap of non-stop parent/child expectations.
And that, of course, is good for everyone.