THE MONSTER TRASH
Godzilla vs. Kong is a heavyweight battle that just doesn't live up to the billing
If you look at the poster for Godzilla vs. Kong, you'll notice it doesn't list any human stars. That's because there aren't any — or at least none worth mentioning. If you're a giant ape or a radioactive sea monster and can manage to squeeze yourself into a cinema this week (remember to wear a mask the size of a parachute, and stay at least 20 metres away from the next freak of nature), then GvK should thrill your primitive soul. Homo sapiens may want to take a pass.
Four years in the making, this monster mash-up brings together the stars of 2017's Kong: Skull Island and 2019's Godzilla: King of the Monsters. The two movies could not be more different. Set in 1973, Skull Island was a guyson-a-mission tale with a cast that includes Samuel L. Jackson, Brie Larson and Tom Hiddleston, with John C. Reilly thrown in for good measure and comic relief.
King of the Monsters, in contrast, was a lot of giant fight scenes interspersed with tech-heavy dialogue. It includes Kyle Chandler and Millie Bobby Brown, both of them (barely) back in this new chapter and joined by Alexander Skarsgård, Rebecca Hall, Brian Tyree Henry and Demián Bichir, some of whom perish, and none of whom you'll be permitted to care about.
As an example (and the tiniest of spoilers), Eiza González shows up as Maya Simmons, evil daughter of even eviler Apex Cybernetics chief Walter Simmons (Bichir). She introduces some nifty helicopter-type vehicles which are, like everything else in the movie, inexplicably covered in neon stripes. She makes a few withering references to Kong, calling him “the monkey.” And then ... she dies. Oh well. Onward!
The story this time is that Godzilla is attacking Apex — maybe this giant predator doesn't like its name? — and the only one that can fight him off is Kong. So geologist Nathan Lind (Skarsgård) and anthropologist Ilene Andrews (Hall) team up to recruit the giant primate.
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorist Bernie Hayes (Henry) has teamed up with pals Madison and Josh (Brown, Julian Dennison) to figure out what Apex is up to. Part of it has to do with a mysterious energy source to be found only in Hollow Earth, a hoary sci-fi concept that suggests there is another globe nestled inside our own, like a Russian doll. And what allows light to get into that sphere? Plot holes, baby!
Honestly, Godzilla vs. Kong provides so little sentiment or emotion that the best way to find any warmth in the screenplay would be to set fire to it.
Each movie in the so-called MonsterVerse has featured a different director, each a proven but hardly famous name. Skull Island was from Jordan Vogt-Roberts, whose Kings of Summer is a lovely coming-ofage tale. King of Monsters was directed by Michael Dougherty, whose 2015 movie Krampus featured a kind of anti-Santa. And GvK is delivered up by Adam Wingard, who also made the nifty horror film The Guest in 2014, with Dan Stevens and Maika Monroe.
In a recent interview, Wingard explained why (happy spoiler alert!) there is no post-credit scene in Godzilla vs. Kong. “The MonsterVerse is at a crossroads,” Wingard told the website Dread Central. “It's really at the point where audiences have to kind of step forward and vote for more of these things. If this movie is a success, obviously they will continue.”
So if you decide to go see it, or rent it, remember those words. The only one who can truly defeat both Kong and Godzilla is you.