Modern travel is fraught with risks and irks

I’m on the road again which is a huge bonus for a writer due to the vast amounts of inspiration that is just out there in the world. Sometimes I practically bump right into inspiration because sometimes inspiration is standing there like an idiot, blocking busy walkways in crowded airports while staring at a mobile phone.

This week’s adventure started at the baggage check-in where, due to work requirements, I had to take quite a lot of bulky items with me — and extra luggage costs extra money. This is understandable but it also caused me to do some quick mental math. The extra bag cost $225 so I had to try to figure out if I would be better off just buying a seat for it. Or I could have done what many travellers do and taken my luggage on the plane as “carry on” baggage, which seems to be getting larger and larger all the time. But fair is fair and I didn’t want to be one of those overhead bin hogs so I paid for the extra bag.

Once on board a plane, I always try to pay attention to the safety briefing. I figure most people are tuning out, reading or staring out the window. Yeah, yeah, we know. Put on your own oxygen mask before helping your child with hers. The life vest can be inflated by pulling the tab or by blowing into the nozzle. And for the love of ... we know how to fasten a seatbelt because we’re all sitting here with our seatbelts fastened. And if we can’t unfasten them, maybe we deserve to be left on the plane, struggling until we figure it out.

So I try to pay attention and make eye contact with the flight attendant a few times. He’s trying. He must also be tired of the whole routine but he’s doing his best. He’s pointing toward the emergency exits with all the enthusiasm he can muster and hardly anyone is acknowledging him. It has to be a tough gig.

The flying itself is an adventure every time and with so many variable factors, it’s hard to know what annoying thing will happen on any given flight. You could get a talker next to you. Or a snorer. Who knows? What is certain is that something or someone will make you question how humans ever learned how to dress themselves never mind invent a way to soar through the air like a bird.

For example, on this trip I sat directly behind “Seat Recliner Guy.” This is very different from a person who reclines their seat. Seat Recliner Guy doesn’t care if reclining his seat jams your laptop into your larynx or spills your diet soda all over your world’s tiniest package of complimentary pretzels. Someone who reclines their seat will look back and maybe even ask permission or forgiveness. Seat Recliner Guy has no time for feelings. He takes action.

So as fast as the fasten seatbelt light turned off, Seat Recliner Guy was down. Boom. Out for the whole flight. It was almost equally impressive as it was annoying but I do give annoying the edge here simply for the full, gate-to-gate nature of the recline and the zero acknowledgement that his comfort might have caused any sort of inconvenience, such as me trying to eat a meal like a T-Rex, with only enough room for my forearms to move.

Disembarkation of a plane is also fraught with potential irks. Getting a plane full of people out of their cramped seats is a delicate ballet — we get off the plane from front to back, row by row. When someone farther back in the plane decides to toss this unwritten rule out, things can get chaotic. On our flight, a group of middleschoolers decided that they were getting off the plane first and filed past us, each carrying a large plastic tote box full of Lego. They seemed to be in a hurry until they got out into the terminal where they sauntered along and forced us to deke through them as we rushed to make our tight connection.

Despite the Lego team, we made our connecting flight but as I sat on the plane with my colleague, we discussed the odds that our luggage would make the connection with us. I gave it a 35 per cent chance. We waited on the tarmac. And waited. There was an announcement — they were waiting for some late luggage. Hey! That must be us! Then the luggage hatch closed and we were off. Uh oh. We didn’t see our bags go on. Because they didn’t. When we arrived and watched all the other passengers get their bags and leave, we went to Lost Luggage and they knew immediately that our suitcases would not arrive until the next day. This tells me they made a choice — wait a few more minutes or take off without the bags. The $225 bags!

I should have carried them on and I should have reclined my seat and had a peaceful sleep with no worries of lost luggage on my mind.