Root beer and thrill rides don’t go together

OUT THERE

Nothing screams “summer” like relaxing with your bare feet in sand, water or even grass. It helps if a light breeze keeps the bugs away and a warm sun encourages an afternoon nap. Ahh.

But for those looking to really put the screams into summer, there are plenty of thrill-seeking, amusement park options out there.

Trip Advisor just published its rankings of the best amusement parks in the entire world. I wouldn’t call myself an authority on amusement parks but I have seen my share over my lifetime.

Family vacations were always a part of our summers and I remember fondly as a kid loading into the Ford Granada and setting a course for adventure. Getting there was always half the fun and for my money, it’s hard to beat spending days and days in the back seat with an older sister. Who knew getting punched in the arm repeatedly could be so awesome?

As the younger generation, we felt our job was to keep the parents updated on our hunger status as well as to inquire regularly as to whether we were “there.” This was before GPS, so asking every five minutes was really the only way to be sure of our ETA.

One early amusement park memory comes from, I think, Darien Lake. I tried root beer for the first time. I really enjoyed the root beer and felt pretty good about myself for trying something knew.

Then I got on a roller coaster for the first time. The root beer evacuated itself from my body and I never drank it again for many, many years.

This was the first sign that I might be a bit of a wimp when it comes to thrill rides like roller coasters, scramblers and Tilt-a Whirls. I remember the Canadian National Exhibition had a ride called The Octopus, a multi-armed (eight arms, maybe?) contraption with small cars attached, barely. The arms would whip around in different directions, causing the little cars to spin around with no remorse. Intentional or not, the thrill to me was not really knowing for sure if The Octopus ever received or passed a safety inspection of any kind. Was my little car going to fling off The Octopus arm and land somewhere between the food building and a Loverboy concert at the old CNE Grandstand? The only way to know for sure is to buy a ticket. When I did, the car stayed attached. My Tiny Tom doughnuts did not stay attached to my body. Strike two for me.

I don’t think amusement parks carry the same “I might actually die” thrill that they once did. Kids today generally don’t know the feeling of getting on a roller coaster, sitting in the seat and pulling down one tiny safety bar across your lap. Once it was down and locked, it wouldn’t come down any further and if you weren’t careful you were left with more than enough room to get tossed around and, I truly believe, to get tossed out of the car.

Wooo ... oh wait ... this doesn’t seem right ...

Today’s rides are ultra safe and riders are strapped in tight with lap bars, shoulder harnesses and other confinement contraptions aimed at preventing lawsuits, er, I mean, injuries. Even me — a root beer barfer from way back — can ride modern thrill rides without hardly swearing at all. The old Octopus at the CNE kept spinning and spinning until someone vomited. I think that was the rule. Today’s rides require you to line up for as little as 90 minutes before boarding, strapping in and embarking on 45 thrilling seconds of entertainment. Even if it is terrifying to you, it’s easy to close your eyes, think about kittens and it will all be over.

Which leads us to the best amusement parks in the world today as ranked by Trip Advisor. No. 1 is actually one that I have visited — Universal Islands of Adventure. This place has all kinds of cool rides — Harry Potter, Marvel Superheroes, Minions, Jimmy Fallon. Wait? Jimmy Fallon?

When I went to Universal, I drove through Florida traffic for two-and-a-half hours so the rides, to be frank, didn’t scare me one bit. My biggest thrill after the drive was my lunch — a foot-long chili cheese dog from the Universal Monsters café. It was truly scary.

I didn’t dare chase it with a root beer.