Household budget is a real eye opener

Sometimes a news story comes across my desk that makes me think, well, I can mail it in this week. This column is going to write itself.

I thought I had such a topic when I saw a headline about someone who voluntarily got her eyeball tattooed and, while that sounds perfectly safe and normal, something went wrong and now she may lose sight in that eye. Hilarious.

An eyeball tattoo? I did not know there was such a thing. I do not know why there is such a thing. I would kind of be curious as to how such a thing as an eyeball tattoo was ever invented. Who was the first person who said, “I really want to get a sweet tatt but I don’t know where to get it. Arm? Nah. Lower back? Nope. I got it! My eyeball!”

But I can’t write about the eyeball tattoo. I can’t do it because I couldn’t read the news coverage in its entirety due to the fact that I am a giant wuss. I can’t even use eye drops properly. I try to drop them in my eyes but end up blinking and flinching. If I pour enough drops toward my face, some have to eventually find their way into my eyeball, I assume.

So I read the eye tattoo headline but after the first sentence, all I could do was quickly scan and scroll, and some of the story eventually found its way into my eyeball. Here’s the gist: someone got a tattoo in her eyeball!

Even in a quick scan, I was legitimately trying not to vomit or pass out, in no particular order. I scrolled faster when I saw photos. I still feel a bit queasy. I also find the whole thing quite sad. I mean, if anyone asked my advice, I would tell them to maybe not get the eyeball tattoo but, hey, who among us hasn’t done something goofy in our lives? I feel bad for this person and I hope she recovers and that’s all I can say about this story because, truly, I feel light-headed.

Something else that makes me feel a little sick and light-headed these days is my bank account. It’s disgusting. Much like trying to read but not read the eyeball tattoo story, I find myself checking out my online banking and scrolling through enough to get the gist (Gist: I seem to have no money) without really focusing on a lot of detail. I think I should focus on some detail. And I have. I really dug in a few weeks ago to try to figure out where the heck all my money goes. It turns out that living is pretty expensive.

There’s a long list of essential stuff sucking money from my account. Food, housing, cars, gas, gum, dog haircuts, kids in university, beer, retirement savings … the list is endless.

In order to get a hold of expenses, my wife and I agreed to a budget and one strategy we’re using is to put away the credit and even the debit card. We’re taking the Randy Moss approach to personal finances and we’re paying with straight cash, homey.

It’s only been a few weeks and I think already it’s making an impact. We each get a predetermined amount of cash every week and, in fairness, I get significantly less than my wife. This is our cash for spending on whatever we think we need. We can spend it on coffee or lunch or a hockey pool entry fee — whatever.

When we weren’t using cash, I think we’d have a tendency to just buy what we wanted when we wanted it. Just put it on debit or, if you feel low confidence, break out the credit. When you have a set amount of cash in your pocket each week, it makes you think about what you’re spending your money on.

It works for me. For example, I’m extremely diligent about eating breakfast at home and packing a lunch because buying those two meals would cost me $15 or more in a day, at least.

And if I ever were tempted and brave enough to get a tattoo in my eyeball, I wouldn’t do it because it’s just not in the budget.