Random thoughts while, maybe, running
OUT THERE
I meet the definition of “runner” according to certain motivational T-shirts, internet memes and Twitter posts. Fortunately those pillars define a runner as simply, “one who runs” with no levels or gradients based on how often or how far or how fast one runs.
I could run a marathon every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and I would be a runner. Or I could walk-run — where you walk but then speed up by a barely measurable rate for short distances such as between every other set of light posts or across the Dairy Queen parking lot and still meet the definition of a runner.
In either scenario, I am, according to the motivational memes, well within my rights to purchase and wear things like skin-tight leggings, jackets with elongated sleeves and little holes cut out for my thumbs to go through, fluorescent or reflective or moisture wicking anything. What can I tell you? I’m a runner. It is my passion. So much so that I run on average a solid three kilometres every single week.
And, when you are out pounding the pavement like I do, for a good 21 minutes every seven days, you have time to think. You know, you really, truly think. You aren’t distracted by your phone or TV or your much slower family members or friends. It’s just you and the fresh air with nothing but the road in front of you and a realistic 50-50 chance you will actually survive and make it home.
So what kinds of things do runners think about? Well, it goes a little like this:
Minute One: Wait, we’re counting by the minute here? Maybe we need to be a little less aggressive.
First 10 Seconds: This feels so great. I should do this more than once a week. I am strong. My legs feel good. My lungs feel good. Rage Against the Machine is playing on the Mojo Mix playlist on my iPod. Arrrrrrgghhhh! Yessss!
11th Second: Oh man this hurts. Lungs are burning. Ow. My ankle hurts. Hope it’s not serious damage. Probably just a bit of strain. It will work itself out.
12th Second: I should slow down a bit and pace myself. I have three clicks to motor through and I want to finish strong.
15th Second: Slow it down a bit more, bud. That’s it. We’ll make up for it with a few wind sprints later in the run. They burn more calories and fat anyway.
45th Second: How long have I been running now? Wait. Don’t check. We’ll check about five minutes in.
Minute One: “And now, you do what they told ya!” Yes. Rage Against the Machine! This is some good running music. Let’s go now. Stay strong!
Minute Two: OK, we should be a few minutes in. Let’s check. Noooooo! It’s only been two minutes! Noooooo!
Minute Three: I should start using cool new words in my conversation. Like “bandwidth” and not just when talking about internet capacity but like when talking about people or companies and stuff. I hear cool people say this all the time like, “Oh yeah, they are a great consulting company and they have the bandwidth to handle a project of this size.”
Minute Five: “A baker’s gonna bake bake bake bake bake.”
Minute Six: “Shake it off. Shake it off !” Wait. When did I add Taylor Swift to the Mojo Mix? Dammit.
Minute Seven: Another cool new word I should try to add to my vocab is “ping.” We used to say we’d call someone and then we all just accepted “reach out” like “I’ll reach out to Bob on that question” but now we “ping.” “Can you ask Bob about that thing?” “I’ll ping him.” Minute Seven: I can’t just say “bandwidth.” How can I just drop a “bandwidth” into a conversation? That would be like starting to use words like dope, awesome sauce or on fleek.
Minute Eight: Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Minute Nine: Taylor Swift isn’t so bad. Minute 10: My ankle pain has moved to my chest. This is bad. Also I don’t think I’ll start using “ping.” I can’t. Minute 11: Maybe I’ll just walk for a bit. Minute 12: No walking. Keep going! Minute 13: You forgot to breathe. Breathe.
Minute 21: I did it! I had to leave my body to escape the mental and physical pain but I did it. I ran 3K so now I can go eat and drink anything I want.
Minute 22: I don’t want to eat and drink. I just want to throw up and lie down.
Two hours post run: What did I do today? Nothing much. It was my long run day.