Spoiler alert — the Olympics happened

Sometimes even the most dedicated news persons among us will miss a big story. For example, did you know the Winter Olympics have happened?

I’m not a devotee of the luge or an avid follower of ski jumping but I can usually generate at least a little interest in the Winter Games every four years. If nothing else, the Olympics are sports and on TV so they offer a perfect excuse to eat chips. Go Canada! Crunch, crunch, crunch.

This time around I did not see one skeleton run, I totally missed the biathlon and could not independently confirm whether the Nordic combined even took place. I didn’t see any of these sports live or even in highlights. I feel like I hibernated and I guess in a way, many of us did.

The Olympics were held in South Korea which is a country that exists 12 hours in the future. When speed skating happened there, we were asleep here. And somehow, I just never caught up. I didn’t see a hockey game. I didn’t see Scott and Tessa. I didn’t see the opening or closing ceremonies and didn’t even feel slightly aware that any of this was even taking place.

I was so out of the know that I did not even know how to spell Peyongchang. It’s actually Pyeongchang. Or it could be Pyeongchang. I have seen both spellings (in the same CNN.com story — and that is not a joke).

Yep, no spoiler alerts necessary here. I couldn’t find an Olympics spoiler if I tried (unlike “Walking Dead” spoilers, which seem to jump out and grab me by the face with shocking frequency. Thanks again, Dean, for that “Glenn’s dead?!” post a few years ago. Really appreciated it).

I’m still trying to catch up on what I missed and, I’m told, the Olympics have been over for almost a week. I hear I missed a good scandal — something about an American trick skier who competed for Hungary and instead of doing tricks, she just did the ski part. Reports say Elizabeth Swaney (or it could be spelled Elisabeth Swaney — I have seen it spelled both ways, again in the same CNN story — and that, again, is not a joke) qualified for the Olympics under questionable circumstances to say the least. Despite being only an intermediate-ish skier, she kept entering World Cup competitions that are qualifiers for the Olympics. The field for women’s halfpipe skiing was often small and a few competitors would inevitably crash because they tried to actually do jumps and flips and other athletic stuff.

Not Liz. Or Lis. She just did a leisurely back and forth swoop down the halfpipe and coasted to finishes that were not last place. Displaying no more skill than about half the skiers at Chicopee Ski Resort on the average Saturday afternoon would have, Swaney was an Olympian. An actual Olympian. You or I could have done the same thing if we had the money and absence of shame. The internet was not happy and Hungary will revisit its Olympic qualification system.

One country that doesn’t have to review anything is CA-NA-DA! I did not see any of the action but I am certain Canada took home gold in men’s and women’s hockey and men’s and women’s curling. Who did they beat and how bad was the smackdown?

What’s that now? We didn’t win all four of those gold medals? Oh. We won how many? None, huh? Hmm.

I better do some Googling to see how the heck we did at those Olympics … whoa! Eleven gold, eight silver, 10 bronze for a total of … hang on … 29 medals! Good enough for third overall and a new Canadian record.

Way to go, us!

I don’t know what slopestyle or skicross are but it looks like we totally rule at both of those things. Not to mention we crushed it at ice dancing, bobsleigh and mixed doubles curling. Mixed doubles curling? Is that a typo? No? It’s a thing now, huh?

OK, I really feel like I missed out. I am going to be ready in 2022 to watch, to cheer and to not be left out of the water cooler Olympics talk. Where are the games? Beijing, huh? And that’s 11 hours in the future? Hmm. Maybe I’ll try harder to catch the highlights.